Victory!! Or Is It?

This is a continuation of a previous post. You can read it here.

Two weeks and one day after my last call with our water company I get a call from my neighbor, John. He says the water company has a truck at my house and they are pushing their 6 foot metal rod into the ground in the wet spot again.

This is a busy week at work. My boss and one of my other coworkers are in Europe on a business trip leaving me somewhat in charge of some foreign visitors. So I cannot leave work easily to go and talk to a water company stooge.

I ask John if he can go over and talk to them since I was promised a call by the service manager at the water company when the next service truck was going to visit the wet spot. I received no call from the water company.  John has some time and goes to talk with the workers. It turns out that a repair crew is on its way to dig a hole and see once and for all if the problem is a spring or a leaking pipe.

It turns out that the large main runs beside the road at 4 feet under the ground. At the wettest spot, a 6 inch tee comes off the main and goes under the road. It probably gives water to John's house and a couple of the houses next door on his side of the road. On the 6 inch line going under the road is a small leak in the pipe. It is not a very large leak but large enough to turn a not so small section of my lawn into a mud wrestling pit. It is too bad they fixed it on a Wednesday, I had a mud wrestling match set up for the following Saturday... I guess I will have to refund all those tickets and return most of the wagers.

So the water company puts a collar on the 6 inch line next to the leak. They then open the leak wider and shoot water over the top of the power lines above their heads. Then they jerk the collar over the leak and seal it off.

Then they fill up the hole and do a half-ass job of smoothing out the ruts and holes made in the yard. They promise to come back in a couple weeks after the ground has settled (and I'm guessing dried out) to smooth out the ruts and reseed the grass.

So now I am left with a spot of bare dirt, some ruts and a couple small holes. At least the ground is dry...

We will see if the water company comes back of their own initiative or if I am required to call and give them a friendly reminder. Maybe I will have the Chief make that call. She is on the warpath right now. You will read about it in the next post.

No mud wrestling and that makes us all lose.

Would You Date a Married Cancer Patient?

When I was 25 years old I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It is a form of cancer that affects the lymphatic system. In the early stages it is not a very aggressive cancer. I found a couple of lymph nodes that were somewhat swollen in the left side of my groin. I was out of shape and trying to get back into shape by running. I was just starting out and my left groin area felt really tight. I went in and had it checked. The doctors did an ultrasound on my crotch and saw two enlarged lymph nodes.

I must say that I really enjoyed the ultrasound goo because you can never get all that stuff washed off. It is also especially nice if the technician running the equipment has just taken the bottle of goo out of the freezer. I think the head of the ultrasound was in there beside the goo. Talk about shriveling…

After this first visit I was scheduled to come back in a month and have another ultrasound on my crotch. Fun times. After the second visit the doctors decided that the lymph nodes had enlarged some more. They also decided that they should come out. So I was scheduled for surgery. Three lymph nodes were removed, one the size of a racquetball, another the size of a tennis ball and another the size of a baseball. I didn’t think there was enough room in my crotch for all that. It does however explain the tightness I was experiencing.

The gigantic balls were sent to a lab and it was determined that I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma. At this point the doctors told me that if I had to have a type of cancer that this was the type I would want. There is a very high probability of curing it, up to 98%, especially when it is found as early as mine was found. My disease was classified as early stage 1.

My treatments would involve radiation only. There was no chemotherapy for me. It would be a two stage radiation; the first 24 treatments would be a penetrating radiation like an X-ray. The last 4 treatments would be an electron bombardment which would be more of a surface treatment with a lot less penetration. When it comes to radiation in my crotch area I feel that the less penetration the better.

The first 24 treatments would incorporate a fairly large area. It was an inverted “Y” starting at just below my rib cage and ending in the crotch/hip area on the inside of my legs, the area surrounding my junk. One precaution the doctors wanted to take was to make sure that if the Chief and I wanted to have children we would be able to. That meant that I had to go to a clinic on two occasions and “butter the corn” in order to have enough baby batter stored for a number of children.

My first experience at the clinic I did not know how it was supposed to work. Don’t get me wrong, I know how it works I just didn’t know the official procedure.

The nurse handed me the following:

1 sample cup

1 towel

1 white bed sheet – queen sized

1 manila envelope that weighed about 2 pounds

1 VCR tape

I understood the sample cup, the towel and the manila envelope (it was full of magazines). I was not sure what to do with the sheet and the VCR tape. My first thought was that there was a bed and that the VCR contained instructions. I know what works for me. I’m pretty sure I didn’t need the instructions. It turns out I was wrong. The sheet was to cover a sofa that was in the “business room” and the video tape was an adult film. I did not touch the magazines, I left them in the envelope for fear that they could be well read.

I put in the movie and do my business. I then come back a week later and do it again. I get my care package. I cover the sofa with the sheet, put in the tape, fast forward to where I left off the previous week and do the business again.

I am told that I collected 4 vials and 10 straws of baby batter and there is enough for about 50 tries. I think we should have already started if we want 50. Is it even possible to have 50 children with the same woman, maybe if I was Mormon it would be possible because of the multiple wives thing.

Now that my wife and I will be able to procreate even if I am no longer packing a loaded gun, the treatments can start. At the time we lived in Columbus, Indiana and my treatments were at the Indiana University Cancer Center in Indianapolis. It is about a 45 minute drive one way. My wife was working part time and was able to drive me to the treatments.

The first visit was not for a treatment but to make a lead block. The X-ray machine has a rectangular radiation pattern. Since my treatment area was an inverted “Y” the lead block was used to only allow the radiation to go where it was intended. Making the block consisted of putting me in a CT scan machine. One thing I was not told was that every precaution would be taken to prevent me from becoming sterile from the radiation treatments. That meant protecting the twins. I learned quickly that “protecting the twins” mean putting my balls into a lead globe. 

(note: not actual size)

The two halves come together with my balls in the hollowed out space. The nut globe is then height adjusted on a stand to make it comfortable. The one thing I did not anticipate is that I cannot put myself in this apparatus. I need help to do this. The technicians knew this before I did since this is my first time but not theirs. I would sit up to put myself inside the globe and adjust the height so that it was comfortable. Then I would lay down and the height would change and threaten to rip my balls off. Because of this, someone had to put my balls inside the globe while I was laying down.

One other thing is that the globes are heavy and it is very easy to pinch your skin when trying to put the top half in place. This happened nearly every time. I would say, “nope, pinching” and my spotter would try again. Another problem was with the lead globes themselves. They were not warmed so once the twins came in contact with the cold globes there were competing forces – shrinkage and trying to pull them away from my body at the same time.

At the IU Cancer Center there are two machines that dole out the radiation for cancer patients. That means there are two crews doing the same thing for different sets of patients. My normal crew was Crew A. My ball boy was about my age. Crew A got a vacation for a week and I was transferred to Crew B. The ball boy in Crew B was definitely not playing on the same team as I was. I’m ok with that and I must say that he was very careful and there was much less pinching during my week with Crew B. He had some skills, this could be because he handled more than his own equipment on a regular basis – I’m just guessing here. This also brought up a revelation for me. I wondered why there were no female ball handlers, not that I would have minded, some of them were pretty cute. Of course that could have been a problem, depending on their cuteness and my current amount of nausea.

After the successful insertion of the twins into the frozen lead globe, a wash cloth was taken and wrapped around my banana and it was taped to my stomach. I would say chest here but that would be overly optimistic. I actually saw the instructions from the doctor to the radiation technicians and they said, “Tape penis to stomach.” At least it was doctor’s orders and not some crazy guy with a wash cloth and tape.

After about the first 8 treatments I started to become nauseous. Portions of my small intestine and a portion of my large intestine were both in the radiation zone. This was causing the nausea. The doctor prescribed a pill for nausea. The pill worked and it should have, one single pill was about $80 and I received a 3 week supply. After about another week of treatments the nausea medication stopped working and I started to become sick after every treatment.

Another unexpected side effect of the radiation treatment was my appetite but when I look back this makes perfect sense. I was not hungry and I needed to eat but it became a problem. The radiation was also affecting my colon as parts of it were in the radiated area. So when I went to the bathroom number 2 it would be very painful, it felt like I was passing a tennis ball covered in razor blades. In reality it was very small, nearly the size of a small marble. So this made me not want to eat in addition to not being hungry. I needed calories to attempt to heal and continue to function. I had to find something that was high in calories and that also caused minimal number 2. The solution was milkshakes, not the McDonalds kind, but hand dipped using real ice cream and milk. I would eat a couple of them a day with some other miscellaneous stuff.

The third week of the treatments saw me riding to the cancer center in the morning. Normally I would sleep about half the way there. I would get the treatment and then ride back home, sleeping most of the way. Then I would eat something, normally a large milkshake, and then sleep on the sofa for a few hours in front of the TV. After that I would eat some more and  go to bed and sleep for 10+ hours. Then the cycle would start over again.

The weekends were slightly better. By Sunday and Monday morning I would be feeling better, I would be sleeping less and have more energy. Then Monday’s treatment would come and after the treatment I would be wiped out again.

Sometime during the first week or second week of the treatments I switched from briefs to boxers. Since I was required to have the twins placed in a lead globe, it was easier to wear boxers. I had been a boxers man a few years prior but had changed to what are called boxer briefs. I had been wearing the boxer briefs for a couple years. I’m not sure why I made the change, probably a Christmas present that I didn’t ask for but I tried anyway…

About the second or third day of wearing the boxers I started to wonder about how the treatments were affecting me. After the treatments I would dress and I would smell something like burning rubber. I would again find the same smell at other times during the day. Sometimes it would happen in the morning when I was getting dressed. Sometimes it would happen in the evening when I was getting ready for bed. I was wondering if the radiation was actually burning my skin. I had reason to worry because my grandmother (father’s mother) was treated for arthritis in her hands using X-ray radiation 50+ years ago. Needless to say this did not work and her hands ended up shriveled and diseased. She lost a number of fingers and parts of fingers due to the whole radiation treatment. I was wondering if something similar was happening to me. What it turned out to be was the elastic in my boxers. Since the boxers were a number of years old and had not been used for some time, the elastic had dry rotted. When it was stretched it would not spring back and if I listened closely it would sound like it was tearing. It was also creating the burning rubber smell. The next day we went to the store and I got new boxers.

These treatments started in January. In December I had purchased a new car, a 2002 Mitsubishi Eclipse GT. After the first few treatments another side effect of the radiation reared its head. I became sensitive to smells. The new car smell of my nice new car made me sick to my stomach. After 5-10 minutes in the car I wanted to stop and throw up. Also, since it was January/February it was not an option to drive with the windows down. As a result we drove the Chief’s car for most of the treatments. I still hate the new car smell, especially if there are leather seats.


The third side effect of the treatments was hair loss. Now I am not terribly hairy on my chest or back. But after about 3 weeks of treatments all the hair on my back and chest in the radiation area was completely gone. Also, since the treatments were close to my junk that hair left too. I looked like a porn star only from farther away...

After the first 24 treatments it was time to change to the surface treatment. A new block was made since a smaller area would be radiated for the last 4 treatments. I was being measured for the block on the same day as my last X-ray treatment. This measurement was basically a verification that the new block was allowing the right area of my body to be radiated.

This visit started out like any other. We arrived, signed in and then waited. We would always see some of the same people in the waiting room. The Chief and I would sit and find a magazine or read a book that we had brought. On this particular day I did not bring a book. I decided to read a magazine, so I got up and walked over to a magazine rack. I was perusing the various titles when my name was called. I looked over and it was a new girl that was collecting me from the waiting room.

She led me back into the treatment room. I went through the treatment. Then she took me to the CT scan room. She left and then one of the technicians put me on the CT table and we had to protect the twins again. Once all the pinching was done and I was comfortable and correctly positioned they put a couple of white bed sheets over me to keep me somewhat warm. I was moved into the CT machine and the measurements were made. I was then backed out of the machine but left in position on the table while the doctors and technicians went over the data.

The girl that collected me suddenly appeared and we started chatting. It turns out she was new and that she was still a student at Indiana University. We discussed some random stuff and eventually she asked where I lived. I said Columbus. She mentioned that she was from Seymour, about 25 minutes south of Columbus. What a coincidence. She then asked me what I did for fun. Me being somewhat of a smart ass, I said I like to get shot with X-rays and then sleep a lot. Of course she laughed. After a few minutes I figured out what she was up to. She asked me if I would like to go out for coffee after I was finished with my treatments and was feeling better. Since I was in the CT scan I was not wearing my wedding ring. I told her that I was married. I had to be very nice because I was in somewhat of a compromising situation. I was naked, covered with a white sheet with my balls in a lead globe. Talk about a romantic setting. Maybe we could have watched a surgery from the gallery for our first date. The Chief later told me that when the girl called my name and I started to walk over to her, she had a funny little smile on her face. I did not notice this.

It is 10 years later and I am cancer free. It took about 3 years after the treatments before I really started to feel good again and had the same level of energy that I did prior.

All joking aside, I must thank the Chief. She was great through the entire time. She drove me to the treatments every day. She made my food. She bought me a Playstation 2 and the current version of Gran Turismo so I would have something to do when I was not asleep but couldn’t do anything useful. She kept my spirits up. She kept the cats from jumping on me when I was sleeping in their spot on the sofa. She didn’t yell at me when I was snippy, which I’m sure I was at times. She didn’t ever get tired of taking care of me and for that I must say thank you today and every day.

“Thank you Chief!”

Water from the Road

We live at the corner of a somewhat busy road and the north entrance to our subdivision. We are at the very edge of the subdivision. As a result, or maybe by coincidence/planning we have a fire hydrant in our yard along with another water company device, probably a valve or bypass or something. This other device is not our water meter, our water meter is further into the subdivision past our driveway.

It makes sense that a water main would run down our property next to the busy road as a supply line to the neighborhood. I don't know if this is true or not but it makes sense. Also, the nearest water tower and the water company itself it north of us.

One thing I noticed this spring was an area of our yard that was very wet, even when there had not been any rain recently. We did have record amounts of rain this year so that could be the reason for the excess wetness. Today however, there has not been much rain for a while but this spot in my yard is still wet. It is wet to the point of having standing water in a lower area. I have witnessed standing water in this area after a very had rain, but only then. We have lived here for almost 10 years and we have never had continuous standing water in this or any location throughout our yard.

My first thought after we dried out from the torrential rainfall this spring is that the water company might have a leak in one of it's lines. So we did what any normal citizen would do, we called the water company. I called and left a message on their after hours answering machine. Their hours are 9am - 4pm Monday to Friday. That is what I call some nice hours. I left our names, address, phone number, and why I was calling at 4:56pm on a Wednesday.

A couple weeks went by and we don't hear anything from the water company. So I call and leave another message since I work normal hours and normally get too busy to remember to call the water company.

One weekend I'm mowing my lawn and my neighbor walks over. We will call him John. A little background on John, he is in his mid to late fifties and he is retired. He is kind of like the unofficial neighborhood watchman. He knows what is going on in the neighborhood. He called the police on a private investigator that was working on a workman's comp claim with one of our neighbors. John is a nice guy and will help anyone out with anything.

When John walks over, I am in the middle of mowing the wet spot. He proceeds to tell me the water company was out a few days prior. The truck stopped and a man and a woman get out and look at the water standing in my yard. The woman retrieves a six foot long metal rod with a "T" handle on the top. She takes the rod to the wet spot and pushes it into the ground / mud all the way to the handle.

She looks over at her co-worker with a surprised look on her face. I guess it was unexpected to be able to push the rod all the way into the ground. They talk for a few minutes, make a couple of phone calls and then get in their truck and leave.

A couple hours later another truck comes to the house and this time two men get out of the truck and proceed to do the same thing. They pushed the "T" rod into the ground all the way to the handle. They make a couple calls, get in the truck and leave. A third vehicle arrives, this time with some men with white shirts and collars. They come out and look at the yard, talk for a bit and get in their car and leave.

Being armed with this new information and still not understanding why the water company has not had the courtesy to call us back, the Chief calls the water company from work. The Chief explains the situation but the operator did not know anything about the situation. I wonder who gets the voice mail, I guess not the person that answers the phone.

The operator puts the Chief on hold to call the maintenance shop. A bit later, she comes back on the phone and says that there is no leak in any of the water lines and that the issues was not the responsibility of the water company. She says it might be a spring.

I'm not a geologist and I definitely do not play one on the phone during my real job. I don't think a spring can just appear out of nowhere. I think normally springs are found on the sides of hills where water can run underground from one area of higher elevation to an area of lower elevation.

The Chief calls me and tells me the story. I decide to call the water company. I speak to the same receptionist and she tells me the same thing, the water is not their problem. I ask whose problem it is and she doesn't say anything. I quickly go on with my idea:

I'm thinking of taking a 5 gallon plastic bucket and drilling a series of small holes all over the bucket. Then I'm going to dig a hole in the wet area of my yard and insert the bucket into the hole leaving the top open. Then I will get a submersible pump and put it in the bucket and set up a hose and a sprinkler and water my lawn. She laughs and says it is a good idea.

After that little detour, I explain that there has never been a wet spot in the yard in the nearly 10 years we have lived here. Also, since it is not the water company's issue and it is apparently my problem, I ask to have that put in writing. So when I start to dig I can't be held responsible for the outcome. She is silent for a few seconds, I can hear the gears turning inside her head. She puts me on hold for a minute or two and then comes back on the line. Another maintenance truck will be sent out to reevaluate the situation. I leave my cell phone number and request to be called when the truck will visit. She agreed and said they will call me before the truck comes out to the house.

Tomorrow will be one week since I had the conversation with the water company and I have not received a call yet. At work we have out of town visitors in for the next week and a half so I'm sure if I get a call it will be this week when I'm busy at work. At least my neighbor will be around and he can talk to them and keep them here until I get home.

Here are some pictures.

View from the corner up the street

View from the start of the water spot looking downhill

Low spot next to the corner

View downhill through our subdivision

I'm sure the saga to have a dry yard will continue... on the bright side, when the rain stops I will still have one green area of my yard since I don't water. 

Fun Times with Kids 3

Here is another text from Pepe.

Ann pushed her sippy cup towards mom trying to get more to drink. Mom asked if that was the proper way to ask for more to drink by shoving it in her face. I then asked Mom if I put my junk in her face if that was an acceptable way to ask for other things. Apparently not...

Another text a couple hours later

Andy wanted his diaper off to get into the tub. He walks up to me and smacks himself in the junk and then squats with his legs spread so I can take off his diaper. I don't think that would work on Mom either...