Would You Date a Married Cancer Patient?

When I was 25 years old I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It is a form of cancer that affects the lymphatic system. In the early stages it is not a very aggressive cancer. I found a couple of lymph nodes that were somewhat swollen in the left side of my groin. I was out of shape and trying to get back into shape by running. I was just starting out and my left groin area felt really tight. I went in and had it checked. The doctors did an ultrasound on my crotch and saw two enlarged lymph nodes.

I must say that I really enjoyed the ultrasound goo because you can never get all that stuff washed off. It is also especially nice if the technician running the equipment has just taken the bottle of goo out of the freezer. I think the head of the ultrasound was in there beside the goo. Talk about shriveling…

After this first visit I was scheduled to come back in a month and have another ultrasound on my crotch. Fun times. After the second visit the doctors decided that the lymph nodes had enlarged some more. They also decided that they should come out. So I was scheduled for surgery. Three lymph nodes were removed, one the size of a racquetball, another the size of a tennis ball and another the size of a baseball. I didn’t think there was enough room in my crotch for all that. It does however explain the tightness I was experiencing.

The gigantic balls were sent to a lab and it was determined that I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma. At this point the doctors told me that if I had to have a type of cancer that this was the type I would want. There is a very high probability of curing it, up to 98%, especially when it is found as early as mine was found. My disease was classified as early stage 1.

My treatments would involve radiation only. There was no chemotherapy for me. It would be a two stage radiation; the first 24 treatments would be a penetrating radiation like an X-ray. The last 4 treatments would be an electron bombardment which would be more of a surface treatment with a lot less penetration. When it comes to radiation in my crotch area I feel that the less penetration the better.

The first 24 treatments would incorporate a fairly large area. It was an inverted “Y” starting at just below my rib cage and ending in the crotch/hip area on the inside of my legs, the area surrounding my junk. One precaution the doctors wanted to take was to make sure that if the Chief and I wanted to have children we would be able to. That meant that I had to go to a clinic on two occasions and “butter the corn” in order to have enough baby batter stored for a number of children.

My first experience at the clinic I did not know how it was supposed to work. Don’t get me wrong, I know how it works I just didn’t know the official procedure.

The nurse handed me the following:

1 sample cup

1 towel

1 white bed sheet – queen sized

1 manila envelope that weighed about 2 pounds

1 VCR tape

I understood the sample cup, the towel and the manila envelope (it was full of magazines). I was not sure what to do with the sheet and the VCR tape. My first thought was that there was a bed and that the VCR contained instructions. I know what works for me. I’m pretty sure I didn’t need the instructions. It turns out I was wrong. The sheet was to cover a sofa that was in the “business room” and the video tape was an adult film. I did not touch the magazines, I left them in the envelope for fear that they could be well read.

I put in the movie and do my business. I then come back a week later and do it again. I get my care package. I cover the sofa with the sheet, put in the tape, fast forward to where I left off the previous week and do the business again.

I am told that I collected 4 vials and 10 straws of baby batter and there is enough for about 50 tries. I think we should have already started if we want 50. Is it even possible to have 50 children with the same woman, maybe if I was Mormon it would be possible because of the multiple wives thing.

Now that my wife and I will be able to procreate even if I am no longer packing a loaded gun, the treatments can start. At the time we lived in Columbus, Indiana and my treatments were at the Indiana University Cancer Center in Indianapolis. It is about a 45 minute drive one way. My wife was working part time and was able to drive me to the treatments.

The first visit was not for a treatment but to make a lead block. The X-ray machine has a rectangular radiation pattern. Since my treatment area was an inverted “Y” the lead block was used to only allow the radiation to go where it was intended. Making the block consisted of putting me in a CT scan machine. One thing I was not told was that every precaution would be taken to prevent me from becoming sterile from the radiation treatments. That meant protecting the twins. I learned quickly that “protecting the twins” mean putting my balls into a lead globe. 

(note: not actual size)

The two halves come together with my balls in the hollowed out space. The nut globe is then height adjusted on a stand to make it comfortable. The one thing I did not anticipate is that I cannot put myself in this apparatus. I need help to do this. The technicians knew this before I did since this is my first time but not theirs. I would sit up to put myself inside the globe and adjust the height so that it was comfortable. Then I would lay down and the height would change and threaten to rip my balls off. Because of this, someone had to put my balls inside the globe while I was laying down.

One other thing is that the globes are heavy and it is very easy to pinch your skin when trying to put the top half in place. This happened nearly every time. I would say, “nope, pinching” and my spotter would try again. Another problem was with the lead globes themselves. They were not warmed so once the twins came in contact with the cold globes there were competing forces – shrinkage and trying to pull them away from my body at the same time.

At the IU Cancer Center there are two machines that dole out the radiation for cancer patients. That means there are two crews doing the same thing for different sets of patients. My normal crew was Crew A. My ball boy was about my age. Crew A got a vacation for a week and I was transferred to Crew B. The ball boy in Crew B was definitely not playing on the same team as I was. I’m ok with that and I must say that he was very careful and there was much less pinching during my week with Crew B. He had some skills, this could be because he handled more than his own equipment on a regular basis – I’m just guessing here. This also brought up a revelation for me. I wondered why there were no female ball handlers, not that I would have minded, some of them were pretty cute. Of course that could have been a problem, depending on their cuteness and my current amount of nausea.

After the successful insertion of the twins into the frozen lead globe, a wash cloth was taken and wrapped around my banana and it was taped to my stomach. I would say chest here but that would be overly optimistic. I actually saw the instructions from the doctor to the radiation technicians and they said, “Tape penis to stomach.” At least it was doctor’s orders and not some crazy guy with a wash cloth and tape.

After about the first 8 treatments I started to become nauseous. Portions of my small intestine and a portion of my large intestine were both in the radiation zone. This was causing the nausea. The doctor prescribed a pill for nausea. The pill worked and it should have, one single pill was about $80 and I received a 3 week supply. After about another week of treatments the nausea medication stopped working and I started to become sick after every treatment.

Another unexpected side effect of the radiation treatment was my appetite but when I look back this makes perfect sense. I was not hungry and I needed to eat but it became a problem. The radiation was also affecting my colon as parts of it were in the radiated area. So when I went to the bathroom number 2 it would be very painful, it felt like I was passing a tennis ball covered in razor blades. In reality it was very small, nearly the size of a small marble. So this made me not want to eat in addition to not being hungry. I needed calories to attempt to heal and continue to function. I had to find something that was high in calories and that also caused minimal number 2. The solution was milkshakes, not the McDonalds kind, but hand dipped using real ice cream and milk. I would eat a couple of them a day with some other miscellaneous stuff.

The third week of the treatments saw me riding to the cancer center in the morning. Normally I would sleep about half the way there. I would get the treatment and then ride back home, sleeping most of the way. Then I would eat something, normally a large milkshake, and then sleep on the sofa for a few hours in front of the TV. After that I would eat some more and  go to bed and sleep for 10+ hours. Then the cycle would start over again.

The weekends were slightly better. By Sunday and Monday morning I would be feeling better, I would be sleeping less and have more energy. Then Monday’s treatment would come and after the treatment I would be wiped out again.

Sometime during the first week or second week of the treatments I switched from briefs to boxers. Since I was required to have the twins placed in a lead globe, it was easier to wear boxers. I had been a boxers man a few years prior but had changed to what are called boxer briefs. I had been wearing the boxer briefs for a couple years. I’m not sure why I made the change, probably a Christmas present that I didn’t ask for but I tried anyway…

About the second or third day of wearing the boxers I started to wonder about how the treatments were affecting me. After the treatments I would dress and I would smell something like burning rubber. I would again find the same smell at other times during the day. Sometimes it would happen in the morning when I was getting dressed. Sometimes it would happen in the evening when I was getting ready for bed. I was wondering if the radiation was actually burning my skin. I had reason to worry because my grandmother (father’s mother) was treated for arthritis in her hands using X-ray radiation 50+ years ago. Needless to say this did not work and her hands ended up shriveled and diseased. She lost a number of fingers and parts of fingers due to the whole radiation treatment. I was wondering if something similar was happening to me. What it turned out to be was the elastic in my boxers. Since the boxers were a number of years old and had not been used for some time, the elastic had dry rotted. When it was stretched it would not spring back and if I listened closely it would sound like it was tearing. It was also creating the burning rubber smell. The next day we went to the store and I got new boxers.

These treatments started in January. In December I had purchased a new car, a 2002 Mitsubishi Eclipse GT. After the first few treatments another side effect of the radiation reared its head. I became sensitive to smells. The new car smell of my nice new car made me sick to my stomach. After 5-10 minutes in the car I wanted to stop and throw up. Also, since it was January/February it was not an option to drive with the windows down. As a result we drove the Chief’s car for most of the treatments. I still hate the new car smell, especially if there are leather seats.


The third side effect of the treatments was hair loss. Now I am not terribly hairy on my chest or back. But after about 3 weeks of treatments all the hair on my back and chest in the radiation area was completely gone. Also, since the treatments were close to my junk that hair left too. I looked like a porn star only from farther away...

After the first 24 treatments it was time to change to the surface treatment. A new block was made since a smaller area would be radiated for the last 4 treatments. I was being measured for the block on the same day as my last X-ray treatment. This measurement was basically a verification that the new block was allowing the right area of my body to be radiated.

This visit started out like any other. We arrived, signed in and then waited. We would always see some of the same people in the waiting room. The Chief and I would sit and find a magazine or read a book that we had brought. On this particular day I did not bring a book. I decided to read a magazine, so I got up and walked over to a magazine rack. I was perusing the various titles when my name was called. I looked over and it was a new girl that was collecting me from the waiting room.

She led me back into the treatment room. I went through the treatment. Then she took me to the CT scan room. She left and then one of the technicians put me on the CT table and we had to protect the twins again. Once all the pinching was done and I was comfortable and correctly positioned they put a couple of white bed sheets over me to keep me somewhat warm. I was moved into the CT machine and the measurements were made. I was then backed out of the machine but left in position on the table while the doctors and technicians went over the data.

The girl that collected me suddenly appeared and we started chatting. It turns out she was new and that she was still a student at Indiana University. We discussed some random stuff and eventually she asked where I lived. I said Columbus. She mentioned that she was from Seymour, about 25 minutes south of Columbus. What a coincidence. She then asked me what I did for fun. Me being somewhat of a smart ass, I said I like to get shot with X-rays and then sleep a lot. Of course she laughed. After a few minutes I figured out what she was up to. She asked me if I would like to go out for coffee after I was finished with my treatments and was feeling better. Since I was in the CT scan I was not wearing my wedding ring. I told her that I was married. I had to be very nice because I was in somewhat of a compromising situation. I was naked, covered with a white sheet with my balls in a lead globe. Talk about a romantic setting. Maybe we could have watched a surgery from the gallery for our first date. The Chief later told me that when the girl called my name and I started to walk over to her, she had a funny little smile on her face. I did not notice this.

It is 10 years later and I am cancer free. It took about 3 years after the treatments before I really started to feel good again and had the same level of energy that I did prior.

All joking aside, I must thank the Chief. She was great through the entire time. She drove me to the treatments every day. She made my food. She bought me a Playstation 2 and the current version of Gran Turismo so I would have something to do when I was not asleep but couldn’t do anything useful. She kept my spirits up. She kept the cats from jumping on me when I was sleeping in their spot on the sofa. She didn’t yell at me when I was snippy, which I’m sure I was at times. She didn’t ever get tired of taking care of me and for that I must say thank you today and every day.

“Thank you Chief!”