Get Well Soon

My mom went in for hip replacement surgery on Monday. It is a very good thing because she has been having problems with her hips for a couple years. The only problem is that both of them are hurting her a lot. She had to pick which one hurts the worst and have it done first.

The surgery lasted a little more than two hours and the recovery for another hour or so. Dad was sitting in the recovery room waiting for mom to be brought back. When the nurse wheeled mom back into the room she says:

"Wow, is this your handsome husband waiting for you?"

Mom looks around the room and then at dad and says: "No."

I hope the Chief and I are as happy after 40+ years of marriage!

Mom made it through the operation without any complications and should go home on Thursday.

Get well, we love you and we will see you soon!!

MommaToad!!

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Beware the Zombies

During the last few weeks it has been very hot here in Indiana. With the heat comes the sweating and the stinking. It seems that when it is hot everything that inherently smells bad always smells worse... A couple weeks ago I noticed a faint funk emanating from the garage. This happens from time to time and is not a big deal. The garage is where we keep the trash dumpster and we do have three cats that are inside cats only... stinky cat litter etc. Usually the smell goes away Tuesday because it is trash day.

I put the trash out two weeks ago on Tuesday morning before leaving for work. I go to work and return to an empty trash bin at the curb. I open it, it is empty. Since it was a hot day I get a big whiff of aroma from the dumpster and it smells a little like dead grass and a little like litter box. These are normal smells and they are not too strong.

I wheel the trash bin back into the garage and still smell something funny in the garage. OK we have a trash can out there. Maybe some left over food was thrown away. So I close up the bag and put it in the large trash bin.

I also think that we might have left something in the refrigerator in the garage. So I prepare for a face full of reek smelling foulness when I open the refrigerator. I am happily disappointed. The refrigerator does not smell. It has some pizza that needs to be thrown out but other than that there is no abnormal smells. I didn't leave any raw fish or other meat products sitting in the refrigerator. Since I don't find anything else I think maybe I have found the problem.

The next Tuesday rolls around and I put out my trash again in the morning before I leave for work. I follow the same procedure. I open the trash bin and verify that it is empty. Also there is less smell this time. No more dead grass smell and only a faint hint of litterbox...

"What's that wild scent you are wearing dear?" 

"Oh, it is new from Ralph Loren. It is called Ode de MeowBox. Do you like it?" 

"Yes it is marvelous. If only it had a touch of cigarettes and day old coffee then we would have to go upstairs right now!"

Well maybe that is a slight exaggeration... and now back to the story.

I go back into the garage to put the trash bin away and it still smells funny in there. I look around and see this on the workbench sitting next to the vice:

The roasting pan has been sitting on the work bench for quite a while, since maybe February. I didn't think too much about it because it has been a long time since I used it. I remember using it. We made a beef roast with potatoes, onions, and mushrooms in a red wine sauce. It was tasty. Upon thinking back, I don't remember eating it more than once or twice. It was also kept in the garage refrigerator.

Here is what I think happened:

Someone comes to visit and brings some man flowers that need to be refrigerated. There is normally room in the garage refirgerator so I rearrange stuff. I set the roasting pan on the work bench next to the vice. Have you ever forgotten something? It happens to me from time to time. Then, I put the other stuff away into the refrigerator and I guess I see a hummingbird or a squirrel and forget to put the roaster back into the fridge. So there it sits for 5 months or so unattended.

So up until now this is a theory of mine. The roasting pan could be empty, probably not my luck... lets test the theory.

I pick up the roasting pan (I don't pull off the lid first in case there the rare beefpotatomushroomonion zombie might splash me with nastiness. I move it to the floor (after pulling the car out).

Just so you know, it did not feel empty. I'm not sure what kind of soup I'm going to find but I'm sure it will be supurb. Here we go...

Bon Appétit!

So here we have some roasted beef and some roasted potatoes in a dark sauce. Feel free to click on the picture and see it full size... it is quite a journey.

I do have to admit that when I opened the lid I was somewhat surprised. The smell did not punch me in the face like would have happened if I had stolen Mike Tyson's tiger. There was a distinct odor and it took about 2 seconds for me to identify it. It smelled like Korean Skate. I discuss my first encounter with the popular far-southern Korean dish here.

OK, so what to do now. It doesn't look like the roasting pan is in bad shape. I should be able to clean it and sanatize it for about 6 months and it might be good. I remember purchasing it. It is made from stainless steel and should not be harmed by the dreadful  beefpotatomushroomonion zombie. The lid looks like new. It is time to start the cleaning. I dump the contents into a trash bag making sure not to spill anything. Not everything comes off the grate. I get a stick from the yard and scrape what used to be food off the grate and into the trash can. This is when I found the biggest surprise of all. After I get the grate cleaned off I find this:

I think I found some of the mushrooms and onions...

Apparently the grate was not made from stainless steel. I think it was steel that had been chrome plated. Lets take a closer look just for fun...

Needless to say, the grate was tossed into the trash bin. Now the Chief gets to tell me if we can keep the roasting pan (provided all remaining evidence is removed) or if it is time to go back to BBB.

Yummy!

P.S. -- Don't search for Litter Box on Urban Dictionary. If you go ahead and do it, don't say I didn't warn you...
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Not Sam I Am

The company where I work is what I would consider a fun company. Not that the work is fun. It is technically challenging but it is still work. The people are what make my job fun. The people I work with are the kind of people that I don't mind spending time with outside of the office. The last place I worked it was nearly the opposite with one or two exceptions, when the work day was over I was out of there and didn't want to see them until the next work day.

We have a couple of unique features to our group of coworkers. One such feature is "Beer Friday." I think the name says it all. Some of us go out to drink some beer after work on Friday to wind down after a long week. We also have "Bucket Wednesdays" at a local restaurant/bar that we sometimes partake in. We also have the not as popular "Bucket Tuesday" with the same deal at a different restaurant/bar. Not wanting to leave anyone out, we also have Beer Monday or Beer Thursday if they are warranted.

Most of our get togethers revolve around alcohol in some form. There are also some fitness nerds in the group, myself included, and we run, bike, and sometimes swim together.

None of these events are mandatory and if someone cannot attend one, they will just wait and go to the next one.

Since we are kind of a tightly knit group, we sometimes play pranks on each other. It could be as simple as taking the wheels off the bottom of an office chair or unplugging the monitor from the computer's docking station.  You know, fun stuff like that.

So a couple days ago one of my co-workers comes up to me with a question. First, a little background about my coworker. He is a chemist and does some of our in-depth chemical analysis and formulation work. He is good at chemical analysis and experimentation. So as a result he works on random projects for us. Since I like to give my coworkers anonymity when I write about them I will give him a nickname. Since he works on random stuff I like "Odd Job" but also since I am a big fan of Austin Powers I will call him "Random Task."

Random Task comes to me a couple of days ago and he can barely contain himself for laughing. It takes 2-3 minutes amid fits of laughter to finally get him to ask me the question he is dying to ask me:

"Are you pretending to be a 23 year old girl named Kesha and messing with me via text message?"

While this sounds like something I might do, I have to admit it is not me. Although this gives me a good idea for a future prank...

Since Random Task has an iPhone, I talked him into sending the transcript of the text conversation to me. Here it is doctored to leave all coworkers' names out:

 

OK. I have questions.

1. How is 1134 code for Kesha? Is that her room number in the apartment complex. Is that the room at the hourly motel that Sam and Kesha were planning on having their nooner?
2. What is "g t n a r"? 
3. Why does Kesha not ask Mason for the correct phone number? It turns out that Random Task starts receiving texts from Mason too but sadly at the time of this writing there was no humor there. 
4. Why do we have time for a random string of texts when a simple call would be much more entertaining? Of course then there would not be a record of it...

What can we come up with for g t n a r?

• Good Times Ninja Assassin Registry
• Goofy Thistle Nigerian Alabaster Ringtone
• Ghost Turds, Not Ass Related
• Grover Twiddlebugs Noodle Alice Rosita
• Grune Tygra Nayda Amok Ratar-o
• Grant Taft Nixon Arthur Reagan
• Grubozaboyschikov Trigger No Auric Rosa

Bonus points to whoever can come up with something better and tell me what the last four are. Be specific. 

Donuts are at stake...

Disease Management?

The Chief and I have insurance through my company of employment. She is full time employed but we have been on my company's insurance for almost 12 years. It just makes things easier not changing insurance every so often.

My company has changed insurance providers over the years. The current company we are with now seems to be pretty good. They have a good mail order prescription service. It also has a decent coverage/benefit plan. Who knows what is covered to what extent in the plan, with all the deductibles involved someone needs a PhD in order to understand all the rules...

I think the last change to our current provider and benefits was about 2 years ago. With this change came some "new" programs. I was going to say "good programs" but I think I should leave it at "new." The one particular program that interested us was the Chronic Disease Management. The Chief has Crohn's disease. She was diagnosed about 8 years ago. Crohn's disease is a chronic inflammatory disease of the intestines. Please note chronic in the description.

Since I am the employee and main person on the insurance, my contact number is on all insurance documentation. Two years ago or so, after the last change of insurance plans, I receive a phone call at my office from Jane at Insurance-IS-Us. She wants to discuss my wife's chronic disease. I say, "OK, here is her phone number." I proceed to give the Chief's cell phone to Jane. Jane calls the Chief and, the Chief was busy at work and could not answer the phone. Jane leaves a message with a contact phone number. The Chief calls back an hour or so later and tries to find Jane. Apparently Jane is nowhere to be found at the given number. So I am wondering if this is a scam.

Fast forward three or four weeks. Jane calls me again at my office. I again give the Chief's phone number to Jane and again the Chief is busy, at work and cannot answer the phone. Jane leaves a message with a phone number and the Chief calls her back and Jane is nowhere to be found.

A month or so later, the same thing happens only this time I give Jane the Chief's office number. This time the Chief is not at her desk and Jane leaves a message. Again, no Jane anywhere when the Chief calls back. I am starting to get a little annoyed by all the calls from Jane.

This entire process is repeated at least 10 more times. I am getting close to telling them to go and pound sand and we will deal with the disease relying on published information and doctor recommendations. I don't do this because there may be something that can help control or manage the disease and I want the Chief to feel as good as she can as much as she can. By this time the entire phone tag session has lasted almost a year and a half. Also, every time Jane calls I have to give her the phone number for the Chief. Could she not put the phone number in her file and bypass me... about call 4 I ask this question. Jane replies the phone number for the Chief is in her file... so use it... but anyway, I digress.

Finally a month later, or so, Jane calls me again. I give the Chief's office number again and this time the stars align and the Chief is not busy and can answer the phone. The Chief and Jane discuss her condition and then Jane says, "I'm sorry, Crohn's disease is not one of the diseases we are currently managing. Thank you."

Click.

Really? After over a year of phone tag a 2 minute conversation and a big "Bite Me" at the end. WTF?

I Think We Were Just Voted Off the Island

Friday I rode my bicycle to work. It is between 12 and 15 miles one way, depending on how much time I have to ride. Since it is our anniversary weekend I decide to take the shorter route so we could go out to dinner. I arrive home and walk in the door and the Chief is in a somewhat agitated state. I wonder what I did to upset the balance but it turns out this time it was not me. It was the letter sent by the "neighborhood." This letter was folded up and placed into our mailbox.

To be honest, our yard was a little "out of control." The crab grass had put up some seeders and it definitely needed to be cut. That being said with our little problem with the water company and the visitors at work for the last two weeks, I was planning to mow on Saturday morning. I also wanted my lawn to be a little taller than normal because I want to bag it and use it to finish mulching the garden. I did not save enough leaves last fall to cover the entire garden... I must be a n00b.

The Chief was royally pissed off. Initially I was not too excited. I agreed with the neighbors but the more I thought about it the more agitated I became.

I have some serious issues with people telling me how to be a good citizen. I discussed this with some coworkers and it was decided that some female in our neighborhood does not care for the appearance of our house very much. No normal man would ever put something like this in one of his neighbor's mailbox. Here is what a man (Howard*) would do:

1. After being repeatedly bothered by his significant other about the state of the neighbor's yard Howard would begrudgingly agree do something about it and go into the garage.
2. In the garage he would remove a six pack of beer from the man-refrigerator and walk over to the neighbor's house
3. Howard would knock on the door (if the man was not in the garage with the door open) and explain the situation and offer the neighbor a beer for the inconvenience. 
4. If the neighbor was having some problem, physical, mechanical, or monetary, Howard would offer his assistance with yard upkeep or recommend a service that could take care of the problem.
5. Howard's significant other would be discussed in a not very nice manner over the last 4 beers.

After my cooling off period, I decided the best response to the letter is to just give them a thumbs up and say, "Good For You!" or GFY for short.

The Chief posted a response to the letter on our mailbox and here it is. You can click on it to make it larger.

As you can see, this annoyed the Chief a little bit. She even looked up US Postal laws... that is some dedication.

Also, quit looking in our windows with the shades half way up and crooked. We don't really care if you are looking in at us. The issue is that we don't want to see you. Plus, our front windows face the road and that is our TV room and the passing headlights make TV viewing difficult if the blinds are up.

As nearly any cat owner will attest, the blinds may be straight for a while, but after a cat climbs them it is unlikely they will ever be straight again...

Another problem I have with this is that we are singled out because we are on the corner of the subdivision. There were other houses with worse lawns than ours. In fact 2 houses down they did not really have any grass, just weeds. Not that our grass is great. We are being overtaken with weeds. I was planning to do something about that this spring by using some chemicals to prevent the early takeover. I ended up going to Korea or something and wasn't able to put my plans into action. So I am planning to eradicate the weeds this fall, continuing in the spring, and then reseeding some select areas of the grass. 

If I was a PITA** to my neighbors and decided to stick my nose in their affairs I think my letter would look like this:

Dear Neighbor,

We have noticed that your yard has become somewhat overgrown in the last few weeks. We realize that sometimes it is difficult to find the time to do the everyday chores of keeping up a house.

You may have fallen on hard times and not be able to cut your grass, pull some weeds or trim trees. If that is the case please let me offer my assistance. I will be glad to help in any way that I can. If you lawn mower is out of service, you may borrow mine. If you cannot physically take care of your lawn I can also do that. We have organized a team of your neighbors for just this type of situation. We call this team: Assist Neighbors In Need, Just Ask. We call this organization ASSNINJA.

You can call them and they will work in your yard. Results are guaranteed and you might not even see them in action. They will get the job done.

Sincerely,

TurkeyToad (The house on the corner)  

Now, when it comes to our neighborhood we like to play along. There is a sign with the name of the subdivision at the main entrance (which is not the entrance next to our house...). A couple years ago some of our neighbors decided the sign needed to be replaced. It was put up in the early 1990s and was starting to look a little shabby. They sent out a letter to the entire neighborhood asking for donations to help repair the sign. We donated to this effort. The sign looks great, or maybe it looks the same. I never noticed it looked bad and I couldn't pick the old sign out of a lineup next to the sign that is there now.

After a few months fighting with the water company about the water supply to our neighborhood/street, the letter in the mailbox is the icing on top of a fun couple of weeks.

*Howard is ficticious and any resemblance to a real person is a concidence. If you live in my neighborhood and your name is Howard and you are offended by being named in this post, GFY.
**PITA = Pain In The Ass = don't be one