Grandma's Number 2

I have told a few stories about Pepe and his children. Here is another...

Grandma takes Ann to the bathroom and Ann goes number two. When Ann is finished grandma sees what has transpired and says, "Boy, that was a lot!"

Ann says, "Thanks." 

Like father, like daughter... poor mom.

Resume You May Not Work for Me

The Chief works in HR for a local company in the medical field in the same town I work in. Her office is close to mine in the not-so-friendly part of town. Her job consists of interviewing potential candidates. The Chief is basically the gatekeeper to the rest of the company. An applicant must get past her interview to be considered for nearly any position, other than executives. She works with head hunters (placement agencies) and posts jobs on various web sites.

At my company I have some discretion when hiring people within our department. I have seen some resumes, mainly good. Our HR department does a very good job of weeding out the unqualified people and poor resumes. I am sure they see a lot of them but I don't ever get to see them. No matter how many times I ask...

Since the Chief is the first line of defense for her company she gets to see a lot of resumes. Some of them are good. Some of them are not so good. There are a few very basic things that should be a given on every resume. Some of these are:

• All items are spelled correctly
• Resume is easy to read
• Relevant experience is listed in the work history

Some parts of a standard resume are pretty worthless in my opinion. First is the Objective. The objective is to get a job/career plain and simple. Any other BS in there is a waste of time for the reader. There may be exceptions to this rule of mine but they are rare. At a minimum the objective should be somewhat tailored to the specific job that is being applied for. At least that is what all the career advice web sites state. 

A few days ago the Chief gives me a resume to review. Here it is:

The names have been removed to protect the Chief. If this is your resume, I'm sorry. I'm going to make fun of it. You should use this as constructive criticism. 

First rule, correct spelling, not so good. 

I know "Budge" is technically spelled correctly but I think "Budget" is what this person is looking for. Perhaps at this company the Area Supervisor wears a lambskin fur as a sign of power and authority. It could work like this: Once you are promoted to a position of power there is a ceremony where a lamb is ritualistically slaughtered. The meat is used to feed the Evil Zarloc to keep him from punching holes in all the empty trash bags. The skin is then processed by a group of 17 blind monks into a workable fabric. This fabric is specially washed in the tears of a baby polar bear before being presented to the new Area Supervisor. I bet everything is true except for the monks, it is probably a local taxidermist...

The next rule is an Epic Fail in my opinion. The font chosen is not easy to read. On the contrary it makes me want to rub my eyes out rather they try to read the script/scribbles. I would toss out this resume as soon as it crossed my desk. Even if this person had a Ph.D in ExactlyWhatMyCompanyNeeds with 20 years of experience doing the same job. I would toss out this resume and never, ever call them. 

Next rule, relevant work experience. Fail. This person has been exclusively in the janitorial industry. I know hospitals and such need janitors but that is not the position this person applied for. 

Next let's take a look at education... 

High school... check.

College... some courses completed in 2001? Ok, I can handle that. This person did not make it through college. I know it is not for everyone. Life gets in the way sometimes. I don't have a problem with that. I think a college degree is not required for the entry level position this person is applying for, so... check.

Management completed? WTF is this? So management was completed. Is this the name of a class? Is this person saying that at a previous job he/she had an affair with his/her manager? Maybe this person did the entire management team. Maybe, but I don't think that is something to brag about. 

Strategies for success: obviously, this did not include "Resume Writing for Success"

Running at Lunch

I like to run, bike and swim. During the work day sometimes I run during lunch. My office is not located in the best part of town. There are likely no tourists within a mile radius of my office, at least not on purpose. When running in this area there are some things that you should do or not do. They are:

1. Always say "hello" to someone you are running up behind before you get right to them otherwise you might cause a heart attack or get stabbed.
2. Don't run through the grass in people's yards. They hate that and you may step on a needle.
3. If you smell ammonia or ether, stop and run the other direction as fast as you can.
4. Always watch the sidewalk for broken glass, nails, abandoned cars, abandoned children, abandoned shopping carts, bear traps, etc...

As a result I do not wear headphones when I run around work. Sometimes I hear conversations and can say "Good morning" or "Good afternoon" to people sitting on their porches or walking. Sometimes I hear parts of conversations that I'm sure are taken way out of context. Once I heard the following from two people standing in their yard:

Woman: "... hey, I'm still pissed at you from yesterday."

Man: "Yeah, well you can suck my nipples."

Fun Times with Kids 2

Pepe sends me a text:

Pepe: Quote of the day: "Look mommy! There is a baby in that woman's butt."

Laughing ensued...

Fun Times with Kids

One of my best friends, let's call him Pepe, and I have been friends for many years. More years than either of us really care to remember I am sure. We met the first day of kindergarten. I don't remember a lot about him in kindergarten. I don't remember hardly anything about kindergarten. One of the few things that I remember is the first letter we learned and it was the letter "M." I think there was a song about it and a plastic blow up model of the letter "M." Something about munching mouths or something like that.

From kindergarten on we were in school together. One story from kindergarten that I have no recollection is that a bunch of guys in the class picked up Pepe (I think because he was the smallest even if only by a pound) and we proceeded to drop him on his head. That is the story his mom tells. I have absolutely no recollection of it. Maybe I was dropped on my head after that. 

Another such story occurred during vacation bible school at my church. This time I vaguely remember what happened. It was before the teacher came into class. We were goofing around and someone thought it was a good idea to jump out of the window. Don't worry it was a first floor window and was only about 5 feet up. Since VBS was at my home church I was maybe a little more at home than some of the other kids. I went out the window first and ran back around the building and inside. Whoever was going next was going too slow and I though I heard the teacher coming so we nudged him a little out the window. This is one of his mom's favorite stories. I vaguely remember this event. I don't remember the person being pushed out the window as being Pepe, but it could have been. 

Pepe and I went to elementary school and high school together. We also went to college together. We did not room together freshman year. That is the time to meet some new people. That is where I met my other best friend, Red Hat Jef. I'm sure I have some stories about him too but this is about Pepe.

Pepe was the second to get married out of the three of us. Since I'm a guy I'm allowed to not remember what year it was... but it was a couple years after the Chief and I got married. It was in the summer. I was the best man a Pepe's wedding and Pepe was the best man at my wedding.

Pepe has a beautiful wife and family. His daughter is around 4 years and his son is around 2 years. Lets call her Ann and him Andy.

I get a text from Pepe with the following attachment:

with the following text: "Ann drew this. She said it is a bag of money with a hole in it that is falling to the ground." Pepe was eating at the time and about choked on his pizza. We then went through a series of texts where I was being a n00b.

Here they are...

Pepe: So you liked the bag of money. That could be code for something.

Me: Explain

Pepe: Example: You're a real bag of money 

Me: Poo? 

Pepe: What did that picture look like to you? 

Me: A dick. 

Pepe. Exactly! Now substitute that into the phrase I sent. 

Me: A bag of dick 

Pepe: Substitute dick for a bag of money 

Me: This picture 

Pepe: Spotted bag of money 

Me: Ok, I'm a little slow...