Let the Journey Begin

I love travelling with the Chief. I also like it when she travels by herself. Then I get to hear about the people near her when she is flying. I think that I fly enough that I have become immune to most of the crap that you have to deal with while flying. Plus the frequent business travelers get first choice of seating and generally sit near other frequent flyers that follow the standard etiquette.

For instance, a couple of years ago, I was returning to the US from a trip to Brazil. I was seated in seat B on the aisle. There was a gentleman sitting in seat A in the window. We are in row 17 so there are people sitting all around us since it is a full flight. About 15 minutes after dinner is over and the trays are taken back, someone farts, the SBD kind. There was no warning pingage off of the faux leather seats, all the sudden I was punched in the face by whiff of mud monkey. It is sad to say, but sometimes that happens.  You are stuck in an aluminum tube for multiple hours and sometimes people fart. Either they don't have the courtesy to go to the restroom or they just sneak out. It happens. 

The fart lingers for a moment, the air jets give me some fresh air and the foulness abates. 10 minutes later another blast, still no sound to point to a culprit. I thought it might be the guy next to me. Although, he was not shifting in his seat as would be the case if he had just let two juicy hindenburgs fly and needed to go and clean up. Another 10 minutes and another blast. This time the guy sitting next to me declares: “It isn’t me, I’m a professional.” He said this kind of loud so I am sure whoever had the bloated donkey carcass residing in their colon would have heard him. We didn’t have any more blasts after that.

The Chief however, has not flown that much and always has the most colorful characters sitting around her. I try to get her the good seats, but sometimes they are all full. Here is a small list of the stereotypical passengers she has had the pleasure of travelling in close proximity to:

• Sweaty overweight man
• Sweaty overweight woman
• Overly talkative beauty queen
• Unhappily married couple that argue the entire duration of the flight
• Crying baby – everyone has had this one…
• Toddler that asks too many questions to their somewhat annoyed parent
• Toddler that kicks the back of the seat
• Middle aged lady that does not know the proper pressure needed to use the touch screen on the back of the seat thereby transforming into the toddler previously mentioned

 We recently went to London. This time I was flying with the Chief and we found another stereotypical figure to add to the list: Bluetooth wearing half deaf loud talker. He is dressed nicely and is not overweight. His hair is slightly too perfect and he has a “Dirty Sanchez” mustache. Go ahead and Google image search for “Dirty Sanchez, “ I dare you…

We are sitting in the three seat section in the middle of the plane. I'm in the aisle, the Chief is in the middle and of course he sits down next to the Chief. He is talking much louder than is necessary for a normal conversation. I can only assume the excess volume is due to 1, the crappy sound quality of his Bluetooth earpiece or 2, he is just a dick. I’m going to vote for number two.

He talks for about 15 minutes then gets up, while talking and goes to the restroom. When he comes back, he is still talking but he sits in the empty seat across the aisle. He is still talking very loudly. I was not paying attention to what he was talking about or with whom he was talking too. I am hoping it was a female based on the last part of his conversation that the Chief overheard. One thing I heard him say was, “I’m sitting on the plane. I have my ‘princess’ mask and will be asleep before dinner is served.” One thing I know for certain, he is no princess, maybe a queen, but not a princess.

While we could not help but listening to excerpts from his conversation no matter how hard we tried, we were texting with a coworker and his wife who also happen to be travelling with us on this trip. Here are the texts:

ME:  Can you hear Ken Tarmac? He is next to the Chief...

T: Hahaha we were laughing when he got on the plane 

T: Hey Shooter!!! We just landed

ME:  I'm waiting for the Chief to bitch slap him

T:  Do It!!!

ME:  He just gave the Chief the 'stink eye' for LOL-ing...

T:  Haha Well he's the one with the dirty sanchez

ME: And the fashionable blue tooth hearing aid 

T:  The mark of the douche 

ME:  Le Grand Douche Canoe... with his beacon of blue toothiness... he will conquer the evil Zarloc by talking loudly and saying 'What was that?'

T:  And he will throw down a heavy layer of pontificating so that those in ear shout distance know of his supremeness and will cower in fear holding their ears.

Now he gets up and goes to the restroom, all the while still talking on the phone. From the bathroom he sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown...

ME:  He moved, hopefully permanently

T:  Good luck!  

The Chief heard a different portion of his conversation. She turns to me and says, “If you are ever talking to me on the phone in an airplane, don’t ask me to send you a dirty picture of me.”

I say, “Don’t worry, I would send you a text with that request. I wouldn’t want to share with anyone else…” I’ve said it before, those are just for me.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a photo of DS after he returned from the crapper.

What a douche... getting ready to pick his nose (I don't know if that actually happened or not) and not wearing shoes.

He also was sleeping with his feet in the aisle, and by sleeping I mean wearing a princess mask and wrapping up with three blankets... The stewardess hit his feet with the food cart...

BONUS!

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