What's in a Name

TurkeyToad, what the hell is that? Is it a hopping turkey or a toad with feathers that hates Thanksgiving? To me it is the nickname given to me by my father as a kid.

My given name is two syllables, as is my brother's name. To make things easier our names were shortened to single syllables. Such as Robert being shortened to Bob or Rob. In our case when our names were shortened they rhymed such as Bob and Rob. So my mother, whenever she was yelling at us, or trying to get our attention she would always yell, "Rob-Bob", or "Bob-Rob." Sometimes there was even a "Ba-Rob" or a "Ra-Bob." Mom still does this today and we have noticed that she will even include my dad's name in the list making it Joe-Rob-Bob.

We make fun of mom for this to this day especially since she is still doing it and modifying the name progression. Maybe she is just like a quarterback going through the passing progressions until she finds the open son...

Dad did not have the same problem with names. He made up his own nicknames for us. They changed and evolved over the years. First, before we get into the nickname, a little store from childhood.

My uncle (dad's brother) lived less than a mile from my grandparents' house and about 2.5 miles from my house growing up. One summer he bought a baby turkey. It was kind of cute, for a bird, and it lived at my uncle's house. It was named Tom... It was a farm and there was plenty of room for the bird to do whatever it is that birds do when people are not watching. I think it used to chase the pigs through the barn when nobody was watching. At least that is the story I told and I'm sticking to it because it wasn't me that was chasing the pigs.

The turkey grew up as most animals do. It was a domesticated turkey and got fairly large. Turkeys are also mean and territorial especially if you are a small kid with a penchant for rock throwing.

My brother is two + years younger than me. I think I was 8 or 9, making him 6 or 7 years old. We were throwing rocks at the turkey trying to get it to chase us. We would run in opposite directions and it would normally get confused and stop chasing us. Once however it did not stop chasing us, or rather chasing my brother. Tom caught up to him and flopped him with his wing repeatedly. Eventually it gave up the fight and wandered off.

I guess dad was watching us taunt the bird and apparently he warned us to stop it (we couldn't really hurt the bird) or the bird would take after us. It is funny how sometimes parents are right. For some reason, Dad started calling me Turkey after that. Maybe it was because I was making fun of my brother who was traumatized. I thought it was funny as only an older brother can. It might have been my Dad's way of taking some of the focus off my brother. Needless to say, I did not enjoy being called a turkey but dad didn't give it up.

I'm not sure where the "toad" portion came in. Maybe he is a big fan of alliteration. Maybe he thought a part turkey, part toad animal would be one funny looking animal. I'm not sure. Maybe I liked to hop as a kid. I'm not sure about that but anything is possible.

Eventually I accepted the fact that I was going to be TurkeyToad. Mom became MommaToad. Dad simply became Toad.

After college, I moved out and got married to the Chief. A few years later the Xbox360 came out and Red Hat Jef coerced me into getting one so we could waste more time playing video games over the internet. I signed up for the Xbox Live and had to pick a screen name. TurkeyToad fit the bill perfectly.

RHJ and I would play Halo 2 online with other people and sometimes I would get comments about my screen name. I had someone leave a recorded message in messaging section of Halo. It was something like this: "I love turkeys and I love toads, so I love you!" I thought he was very funny, of course I am assuming it was a guy... or a kid. It could have been a 9 year old boy that had just kicked my ass during the last match or it could have been some 9 year old girl that just kicked my ass during the last match.

Anyway... we are one big hopping family.

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Free Magazines for Everyone

Working at an industrial chemical company, I receive a lot of trade magazines for various things. All of them are free and almost all of them are irrelevant. Every few months someone calls requesting to update my information to continue receiving the free publications. They ask for name, title, number of employees, industries served, etc. They always try to throw in a personal question... for example, "In order to verify that I spoke with you today, could you tell me what city you were born in?" They have asked other questions too such as my birthday, it could be the year, month or date. I have a set of standard responses for the personal questions they ask:

Telemarketer: "Could you tell us what city you were born in?"
Me: "No."

Telemarketer: "Could you tell us what month you were born in?"
Me: "No."

Telemarketer: "Could you tell us what day of the month you were born in?"
Me: "No."

Telemarketer: "Could you tell me the name of the street where you currently live?"
Me: "No."

Telemarketer: "Could you tell me the day of the month when you were born?"
Me: "Tuesday"

After the personal question they always ask if there is anyone else in the company that would benefit from receiving Industrial Magazine. The answer is always an emphatic no.

The last questions they ask are:

Telemarketer: "Would you like to provide your email address to receive electronic copies of the magazines?"
Me: "No"

Telemarketer: "How would you like to receive your free subscription to Industrial Magazine, print or email?"
Me: "Didn't I answer that in your last question?"

Then I say that I would like to receive the magazine via email... But it makes me laugh so it is OK.

One thing I like about a certain free magazine is that it contains Dilbert cartoons. Having worked in a cubicle in a cube farm for a portion of my career Dilbert really rings true. I always look forward to it every month. One other thing I like about the magazines is the articles in some cases, but mostly the advertisements.

I'm not sure if it legal to scan comics but here is the Dilbert, you can view more at: www.dilbert.com

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Now it is time for the first post in what will likely become a series of posts where I/we look at the great advertisements in industrial magazines and take things out of context. This is the stupid stuff that makes me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh too.

First we have an unfortunate name for a company.

This is the guy's last name, maybe I would come up with something different as my company name. Since they are into burning stuff, why not Combo Controls or "Huh, huh, fire..." I just hope they are not burning their namesake, unless they are in Terre Haute, IN which is probably the worst smelling town in the USA. 

Second we have a headline.

I immediately thought of these...

My question for her is, "Why are you wearing a thong-a-tard? Is that really necessary for the feat you are undertaking?

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You are Not Qualified

The Chief and I have season tickets for the Indianapolis Colt's. We have had these tickets since 1996 or 1997 when Jim Harbaugh was the quarterback. We lived through Peyton Manning's horrible 3-13 first season as Colt's QB. We then watched in amazement when the following year they went 13-3 and made the playoffs and lost in the first round. It was still the playoffs...

Being a season ticket holder, the Colt's send us stuff. Every year we get a DVD of season highlights. The DVD for the 2011 season was very short... They also send us a Christmas card every year with a team photo. They also send us some cool stuff, like being able to call into a phone number and listen in to the team on draft day. That was pretty neat.

Since the NFL and the Colt's is a business they also like to have surveys filled out so they can "See how we are doing." I received one of these surveys last week. The email with the survey link said it would take approximately 15 minutes. I start answering the questions and after about 4 questions (and 2 minutes) this screen comes up:

I guess my opinion is not that valuable after all...

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Quirks

We all have quirks. I am sure that I have some things that I do that amuse or bug the Chief. She does some things that amuse me that I have never witnessed other people doing. I have talked about some of those things in other posts. A couple quick quirks: French Fry sorting, straw paper knot tying, car buying while I'm on a business trip... etc. Another one that I have noticed over the years is that when we go out to breakfast and there is toast as a side, the Chief always gets white toast. A normal breakfast consists of two full slices of toast cut diagonal into halves. The first piece she will normally eat all the toast. When she is nearly finished and starting to get full, she eats all of the toast except for the corner crust.

I asked the Chief if I have any quirks that she notices. The first one that she told me is that I line up the magnets on the refrigerator. All I have to say to that is "Who wouldn't line up the magnets. More will fit that way... duh." The second one she came up with is that I have an aversion to putting silverware into her lunch box. If I get up early enough, I will pack the Chief's lunch box, except for the utensils...

One other thing she swears by is a home remedy for the hiccups. You take a glass of water and bend over and drink it from the side of the glass farthest away from you. You are drinking the water upside down. I have witnessed her do this a number of times. The last time I saw it was while we were in the Bahamas with some friends. We were drinking and playing cards in our friend's hotel room. The Chief gets the hiccups and can't get rid of them. Next comes the drinking upside down...

I don't know if it works or not. I don't normally have to resort to such measures to rid myself of the hiccups.But the laughing in the semi-drunk group definitely prevented the rest of us from getting the hiccups.

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Here is some food for thought...

Why is it that recording artists were very upset by the free file sharing of Napster, to the point they shut the site down? I don't recall seeing authors of books being upset that you can go to the Public Library and read their books for free. Then you can recommend it to a friend and they can read it for free too...

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Pissing Rocks

A few years ago I was on a business trip in northern Michigan. It was a trip of 3 days visiting the customer. On the third day I went into the customer's facility early in the morning because I had a flight back home in the afternoon. I woke up and was not feeling especially well. My lower back hurt and I felt like I had to pee every 5 minutes. I don't know what is going on so I call the Chief and say that I am coming home early. The Chief dropped me off at the airport so I needed to tell her if I was coming home early otherwise I would be sitting there waiting until she came to get me.

I then called my customer and told them I was ill and was going to go home. We had pretty much finished up the day before but we were going to have a final meeting. I suggested we do this the following day via conference call. They agreed, which was a good thing because I was not going into the plant regardless of their request. I was experiencing things I have never felt before and not in a good way.

I go to the airport and change my flight to an earlier one. I think I got back 8 hours earlier than I had originally scheduled. I had a one stop flight in Detroit. By this time I am feeling worse. I ask the Chief to make me a doctor appointment. I don't know what is wrong but I know there are some definite things that are not correct with either my kidneys, bladder, lower back, lumbar vertebra or something else in that general area.

The flight from Detroit is only an hour but that was one of the longest flights of my life. I spent about half of it in the airplane restroom trying to figure out why it felt like I had to pee every 2 minutes and only a trickle would come out. I'm lucky they didn't think I was up to something, like smoking...

I arrive at my home airport and the Chief picks me up and takes me to our family doctor. She proceeds to give me a quick exam and then she gives me a shot, not alcohol, better. I get a shot of Demerol. It is some wonderful stuff. The nurse did not give me very much but it did the job very well. It wasn't that the medicine made the pain go away. It did not make the pain go away. I very clearly remember that it still hurt, and hurt bad. I just didn't care that it hurt.

The doctor sent me for x-rays and it turned out that I had a kidney stone. The stone was small enough that I could pass it on my own without any external help. The doctor gave me a urine strainer to catch the stone. The funny thing was, the urine strainer looked exactly the same as the filters my company uses to filter paint made in the lab...

I'm not sure why but I don't catch the stone during the straining process. Maybe it was too small to be caught by the strainer, I hope not because it felt like a boulder. The other possibility is that I woke up in the middle of the night and forgot to use the strainer. I can see how this is possible since I don't normally make a habit of straining my urine and if I was sleep-peeing I know all bets are off. What I didn't know is that the stones can be analyzed and the results used to help with a patient's diet. By the composition of the stone doctors can tell you what to eat and other stuff to avoid. I did not have the benefit of this advice.

I have no more problems and go about my business as usual.

About 6 months later I wake up for work one morning and start having severe back pain. At first I think it might be another kidney stone, but after a half hour or so I believe it is something different. The pain is many orders of magnitude worse. The Chief is working a job where she is on third shift at the time so  I wake her up and ask her to take me to the emergency room. She asks if it is another kidney stone. I say, "no, it hurts much worse and the area where it hurts is much larger than before."

We get in the car and leave. After we get about 3 blocks away from our house I say, "Pull the car over." The Chief pulls the car over and I proceed to throw up in a neighbor's driveway. I compose myself and then we go to a local hospital. The Chief lets me off at the door and I walk into the ER to the nurse's station.

I didn't exactly know how to get some attention but I found a method that works pretty quickly. I say to the nurse behind the desk, "I hurt here!" and make hand gestures from the bottom of my rib cage to below my waist. Then I lay down on the floor. It turns out that is all you have to do to get some attention in a hurry. You can use that for future reference...

The nurse starts an IV and then I go into radiology for an X-ray. It turns out it is another kidney stone. This time it is much larger than the first one. One of the nurses says, "Here you go. This is some good stuff." He injects it into my IV and a warm sensation spreads from my left arm to my shoulder, to my abdomen to my hips and on down my legs. When it reached my junk, once again it felt as if I peed myself. I think I had to reach down and make sure I didn't...

This pain killer was better than the Demerol. This time I also did not care if it hurt. It also did not hurt anymore.

This time I was able to catch the stone and send it in for analysis. It turns out that I need to lay off the coffee (I was drinking 2+ cups a day) and eat more citrus. Since I never want to do this again, I have taken both of those steps.

Here is the culprit.

Not the penny...

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Chief Cuts Now Open for Business

One of my presents for Christmas 2011 was a set of hair trimmers. I looked at the cost of a haircut by a professional and how much the clippers cost and decided that by the fourth haircut we would have our money back for the trimmers. Before putting the clippers on my list, I checked with the Chief to make sure she was OK with giving me haircuts. She agreed. So I put them on my Christmas list and someone got them for me.

My first haircut by the Chief was later in January 2012 and the Chief did a great job. There was hair all over the place, which was expected and we had planned for it. The second haircut was in late March and again the Chief did a good job. The second cut took a little less time than the first. The third cut was in mid July and she again did a great job. I also think she did it faster than the second cut. She is getting the hang of this!

When we started this endeavor, I was concerned that the Chief would make a mistake. I did not think she would make a mistake on the first haircut, and maybe not the second either. Here was my reasoning: the first couple cuts the Chief would be very nervous and very careful about not making a mistake and doing a good job. The second or third cut she would be more comfortable and potentially more prone to making mistakes probably caused by going to fast or cutting corners.

The way she gives the haircut is to start with a large guard on the clippers and gradually move to a smaller guard until the top is the correct length. Then she will drop another guard number on the sides and then do the trim work around my ears and neck. It is a simple process and she is getting pretty good about it. She is getting faster as predicted but she did not make a mistake until the fourth cut... this Saturday.

She started out normally getting the clippers set and asking about the different guards we used. She asked: "Did you like the guard we used last time?" My answer was, "Yes, it was fine. I think it was a half inch, or maybe five eights." Her response was, "OK." Then I hear some fumbling with the clippers. Then the clippers turn on, and I feel her start near my side burns and go up to the top of my head. Then I hear a gasp from the Chief. Here's why...

She forgot to put the guard on the clippers... I made her stop and take a picture of my head... I was laughing the entire time, she was mortified and feels horrible about it.

So now I am buzzed and I must say, I didn't realize how much my hair insulated the top of my head. It is a little cool outside this weekend and I am wearing a sock hat every time I go outside.

On the bright side, having very short hair, at least shorter than I have ever had as far back as I can remember, has some advantages:

1. I won't need a comb, for at least 3 weeks
2. I won't use near as much shampoo
3. I won't need to wear a swim cap when I go and swim - I still will because it helps keep in my ear plugs

On the downside, 

1. I will need to wear sunblock or a hat on my head whenever I go running at lunch
2. My head will be cold, but I can wear a hat...

Now the Chief will not cut anyone's hair except mine. Not that she did before, but now it is official. I'm sorry, you had your chance or a Chief Cut but now it is over...

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UPDATE:
It seems like the Chief may have done me a favor... it turns out that having a very short haircut make me look more confident, dominant, mature, and appear to be a better leader. All in all, it looks like a haircut may get me a promotion... Don't believe me? Watch this video from the Wall Street Journal here.

Told ya...

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A Battle in Your Armpits

I just realized something a couple days ago. I have been wearing the same deodorant for as long as I can remember. I wear Old Spice and the scent is High Endurance. I always get Old Spice, sometimes the scent varies. I normally purchase it from Sam's club and when you shop there you get to buy what they have, sometimes at a slight discount versus other retailers...

I like this deodorant and scent, obviously, or I would not use it for years on end. I also have, at any one time no less than 3 sticks of deodorant in use. I have one in the bathroom at home, one in the locker room at work for the lunch time workouts, and one in my gym bag for swimming. There might also be one in each of my other gym bags that I use for everything else. So there is a minimum of 3 and as many 6 in service at any one time. Some get used more than others, for instance my swim bag gets used frequently and as a result I need to replace that deodorant more frequently than some.

The nice thing about the having all these sticks open is that you can see how the packaging has changed over some time period. I did notice a change in the labeling on the most recent stick. Here is the label on the old stick.

The new label seems to have branched out a bit on what the product does...

I hope the "Atomic Robots" and the "Scent Elves" get along peacefully. I don't want an uprising in my armpits.

Of course, every morning I do this while I'm putting on my deodorant.

Ask the Chief if you don't believe me...

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The Year of the Pecker-Gnat

One of the strange this about this year is the weather... it is not so much global warming as it is global weirding, or perhaps global laming. One thing I noticed a lot of when I was training earlier in the year was the sheer number of insects out and about. The first thing I learned about said insects is that a combination of Coppertone Sport SPF 50 and sweat will kill any bug that has the misfortune to run into my bare arms, legs, neck... etc.

When I would get done with a long bike ride I would be covered with small flies and other bugs. On one particular ride, I went through a swarm of bugs very early in the ride. When I got home and finished the ride, I took a shower and later that night I realized I had many small spots all over my arms. The bugs left tan lines  leaving light spots everywhere a bug was.

I also rode through my share of bug swarms, mainly consisting of pecker-gnats. I would invariably get a mouth full, or at least a lung full. Extra protein... yummy.

Gnat Swarm found here

I am calling this the Year of the Pecker-Gnat because even though it is now fall, there still seem to be an inordinate number of these little bugs. They also seem to be small enough to make it through the screens in our windows at home. There is nothing better than sitting down to eat and being dive bombed by 2 or 3 pecker gnats.

I hate those things.

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OK Ship It... or Maybe Not

I work at a company that makes stuff... I know, sounds interesting. You see, the thing about stuff is that someone needs to buy the stuff you are making. We have a pretty good business at the moment. People are buying our stuff at a great rate... keep it up!

One of the essential ingredients in any business that makes stuff is shipping. Your customers have to get the stuff you make. In my case it is paint. None of our current customers are large enough to need a dedicated pipeline to their facility. As a result we ship our paint via truck.

Before a company decides they want to use our product they usually talk to one of us to make sure we are providing the correct product for their needs. The next step is to send a sample of the paint. For this we would normally use a reputable shipping company such as FedEx or UPS.

Sometimes, the shipment does not make it to the customer. The shipment could be damaged, the container could leak, it could smell funny, etc. We ship our samples in paint cans... like this one:

Notice the shape, a cylindrical metal can with a metal lid. This is basically the same can that we use to ship paint to customers. We add a special plastic ring around the lid that helps prevent spills and also make the can difficult to open.

Sometimes they come back to us because the customer didn't want them, or they made a mistake. Sometimes we send the wrong paint, but very rarely.

One time we sent a free sample to a customer for a trial they wanted to run. They needed to test the paint for a new program they were working on. Appearantly there was something wrong with the shipment's paperwork and they tried to file a claim against us for about $200, simply because there was a problem with the shipping paperwork. The product was correct, it was what was requested. Oh, and it was a FREE sample.

Another time we shipped a sample material to a customer. It came back to us because it was leaking, a little.

OK, maybe it was leaking a lot. It also kind of looks like frosting. I promise it isn't.

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So I don't Forget

For lunch or dinner I sometimes like to have salad. I put lots of different things on my salads. Some of my favorites (besides the greens) include:

Hard boiled eggs

Grilled chicken

Black olives

Peppers - green, yellow, red

Bean sprouts

Onion

Mushrooms

Avocados

That is a small list, there could be more things or a combination of those and other things... I'm not picky when it comes to food.

My salad dressing choice is something that is what some people would consider a little odd. I like a combination of ranch and honey mustard. I will also sometimes go with blue cheese and honey mustard, but I prefer the ranch. 

The Chief also uses ranch dressing for salads. She also uses ranch dressing for French fries, cheese sticks, cheese curds, and various other things except vegetables. I let the Chief run out of ranch dressing because I was eating salad for lunch. I got scolded because the French fries the chief brought home were now worthless, ketchup just will not do. As a reminder, I left this note to get some more ranch dressing at the store...

We now have a minimum set level of ranch dressing in the house of one in the refrigerator, and a minimum of one in the pantry. Now there are two in the pantry...

We did just run out of ketchup but that was for me so it wasn't important.

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Go Wash!

During my return home from Juarez, Mexico I am upgraded on the first flight to business class. It is a domestic flight and there is a meal. Since my flight left at 6:15 am I did not eat anything beforehand. I was expecting something tasty for breakfast on the plane. I was mistaken. Cheerios. Seriously, Cheerios? I don't eat cereal. For one, it is not on the Paleo Diet and second, I don't really care for it. Soggy crusty bread or twigs in milk, what is good about that. Plus almost all breakfast cereals have a bunch of vitamins and minerals added (they are listed in the "Ingredients" section on the nutrition label). Why would someone want to eat something that started out so unhealthy that it need to have all the vitamins and minerals added to it to make it healthy? You got me, I don't know. That isn't really the important part. I could rant about the crappy food we eat and are pushed to eat, but I won't, at least not now.

Regardless, I didn't eat the cereal. They did have some yogurt which is only marginally better and a bowl of fruit, which I ate gladly. When I arrived at my layover in Atlanta I got a cup of fruit and went to wait for my next plane.

The last plane was going home to Evansville, Indiana. It is an hour flight more or less and there is definitely no food, maybe some peanuts if you are lucky.

While I am talking about food, for lunch we ate in Juarez since crossing the border always comes with a long wait. We did not eat at the plant but we went out to eat. The first day we went to a Mexican buffet with a lot of traditional foods. The second day we went to a Chinese buffet, which was still cooked my Mexicans... just like in Evansville.

I overheard a lady talking on the phone while waiting for the Evansville flight. It turns out she was on the same flight, except Evansville was not her final destination. From Evansville she was flying to Detroit and then  back to Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I don't know why? Evansville does not have an area for connecting flights. She will probably have to go and get her bag and then check back in... She could have driven from Evansville in the time it takes to fly to Detroit, wait in Detroit and then fly back to Ft. Wayne. But what do I know, I'm only approaching 750,000 flown miles...

Anyway, the flight back to Evansville I am sitting next to a Japanese lady that does not speak much English. She also did not understand our flight attendant as she was based in the south and had a bit of a drawl. So there was no talking between me and the lady sitting next to me. I also noticed a smell emanating from her. I wasn't sure it was her at first. The flight attendant said all the passengers were on and that we could move to another seat if we wished. The two seats across the aisle were open, so I moved. The odor vanished immediately. Of course, then the two people came on board that were in the seats that I had squatted in. I looked everywhere and there were no other empty seats. I had to sit down next to Smelly. I was not sure if she actually smelled until I sat back down next to her. It hit me in the face like a flaming sack of dog poo. I opened my air vent and had it pointing straight at my face and it didn't help all that much.

So, to the lady sitting in 3A. Go wash!

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Waking Up On the Wrong Side

Last week I was travelling for business to beautiful, tourist friendly, Juarez, Mexico. We have a customer there and they are having some issues. They could likely fix the issues themselves, but they need someone in their facility keeping them focused. Kind of like an industrial dose of Ritalin…

Since Mexico is not as safe as it used to be, we always stay in El Paso, Texas which is right across the border from Juarez. To give you an idea about the safety concerns… how’s this. The price for the Hampton Inn in El Paso is approximately $130 per night. The Price for the Hampton Inn in Juarez is $60 per night. Both hotels were built near the same time and both offer similar amenities.

I have made many different trips to Juarez over the years of my employment. I remember my very first visit in 2002. I head across the border, cross the bridge, and the first thing I see is Mexican Federal Police, armed with automatic rifles. There were 5 or so officers at the border crossing. Once we left the border crossing there were no other machine guns in sight. There were also people walking, children playing in the local parks, and dozens of street vendors selling anything from cell phone chargers, to candy, to knock off oil paintings.

Fast forward to August 2011, my previous visit to Juarez. The drug cartels and the Federal Police are in the midst of an epic battle… I cross the border and still see the automatic rifles, about the same number. We move past the border and immediately notice there is nobody outside. No children playing, no people walking, and I could count the street vendors on one hand. The street vendors were also very concentrated near the border. There were some people out in the town, they were federal officers and they were all carrying automatic rifles. There was one officer approximately every 500 yards along the main streets. Each one was wearing his full uniform with an addition of a face covering mask. There were also mobile gun trucks with a large 50 caliber machine mounted to the top that patrolled the main roads of the city constantly. During the 4 mile drive in Mexico, we saw 3 machine gun caravans.

During this last trip, there was a line to get into Mexico. This is a first. There has never been a line for getting into Mexico; there is almost always a backup to get back into the United States. The issue is that the US Border Patrol cut the traffic down to two auto lanes and added a series of speed bumps before crossing the bridge into Mexico. This causes everyone to slow down greatly. They also stop autos and inspect them. I witnessed one or two different vehicles being searched on the way into Mexico.

Once we cross the bridge into Mexico, there are the customary federal officers with their rifles waiting at the border. They also installed some barricades to drive around in an ‘S’ shaped pattern with their own compliment of speed bumps. The next thing that I notice is that there are many more street vendors than last time. There are also people outside after dark; including me… we worked in the plant until after dark. When we were driving back to the border, I noticed people eating at restaurants and sitting outside, not as many as in 2002 but still an improvement over the zero people out after dark the previous year.

We go back to the hotel for the night and then repeat on day 2. The hotel we are staying at is the Embassy Suites (the Hampton was full…). The room layout is a living room with sofa, chair, coffee table, desk, refrigerator and sink in the first room. The bedroom contains two double beds and the bathroom is attached.

The first thing I do is set the air conditioning. Then I pick a bed. I chose the bed furthest away from the window and closest to the A/C vent. I use the other bed to hold my suitcase. The first night I slept well until about 4:00am, then I woke up, went to the bathroom and then went back to bed until my alarm sounded.

The second night, I woke up and looked around the room in the semi-darkness and something didn’t look right. The alarm clock is on the wrong side and the window is in the wrong place. Also, the bed sheet seems awfully scratchy. I finally realize that at some point in the night, I got out of my preferred bed and climbed into the other bed. I then kicked my suitcase off onto the floor along with the clothes I was planning to wear the next day. I also noticed that I was lying on top of the blanket but under the bead cover. That explains why what I took to be the sheet was so scratchy…

I get up, go to the bathroom. Then get back into the correct bed and go back to sleep until my alarm sounds. I have no recollection of getting into the second bed or of kicking my suitcase off onto the floor.

When I am at home, the Chief must have me on a shorter leash or I might wake up on top of the washing machine trying to cover up with some dryer sheets and using a ball of lint as a pillow…

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Cool, Can I Take It Apart?

Although I'm the engineer in the relationship. The Chief has some tendencies. Normally engineers take something apart to see how it works and then to put it back together, or perhaps to add some features. The Chief, takes stuff apart to, well... take stuff apart. A few things she/we have taken apart include:

1980's era big screen projection television
iPod classic
Multiple computers
A broken TiVo

I know there have been many other things but I can't remember what they are at the moment. However, the Chief's latest "Ooooh, can I take it apart" moment came over Labor Day weekend. I had given a piece of yard equpment to a friend who was good with small engine repair to tell me why it would no longer start. It is not a really big deal. I have had this particular piece of equipment for 10+ years. It turns out that repairing it would cost nearly as much as purchasing a new one. So it gets relegated to the trash bin.

Enter the Chief: "Can I take it apart? Can you get me some tools?"

So the Chief sits in a chair in the garage with an old towel in her lap, and proceeds to disassemble this device. You tell me what it is...

First hint.. here is the Chief sitting in the chair disassembling the device.

Next hint... the engine. Broken down as far as we could without some more specialized tools. I don't have a machine shop at my disposal.

Next hint... the engine plus the rest of the screws, bolts, fasteners.

A little more...

Here is all of it. If you can't get it now. I'm not going to tell you.

Good guess if you said it was a squirrel tail hair trimmer. That is why it has the long bent tube. The noise from the engine would cause the squirrel some distress, so it is moved further away from the trimming end.

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I'm Sorry, That's Classified

Here is another story about Random Task, a former co-worker. Some background information on Random Task can be found here, and here, and here.

He was an odd duck and he no longer works at the same company as I do... so it is game on...

Random Task has some social oddities and seems to be uncomfortable in some social situations. He doesn't know how to start a conversation especially if he has a topic in mind. He won't say, "Hey, how's it going, I've got a question for you..." Instead, he would say something along the lines of:

"What do you know about trees?"

"How many push-ups can you do?"

"He does like girls, right?"

Here is the first conversation I had with him. It was at a company picnic.

Random Task: "How old are you?" 

TurkeyToad: "29"

Random Task: "And you are a manager right?"

TurkeyToad: "Yes, I have 3 guys reporting to me."

Random Task: "That's odd."

Some silence while I wait for him to continue. Since there are no signs that he is going to continue, I ask the only logical question...

TurkeyToad: "Why is that odd?"

Random Task: "Because you have to be at least 35 before you are a manager."

TurkeyToad:" Well, I'm 29."

End of conversation.

All of the above conversations actually happened...

At some point after the above conversations occurred. The Chief changed jobs from working at an insurance agency as the receptionist to working in HR in another local business. She worked at the insurance agency for about a year. During here time there, she was asked to go and sit for a portrait that would be put on the wall in the office next to the other members of the office staff. She is wearing a nice outfit, a business suit and the picture was really well done.

When she left the company, they offered to let her take the picture from the wall, rather than throw it away. The Chief did not really need a picture of herself, so I took it and put it in my office. The picture had been in my office for a couple weeks, when Random Task comes to my office and sits in one of the chairs. He then asks:

Random Task: Does your wife work for the CIA?

TurkeyToad: No... what?

Random Task: That picture looks very professional, like something they would do if you worked for the CIA.

TurkeyToad: Umm, OK. I'm not allowed to say anything else. Please go.

Here is the picture in question...

I had to edit the picture for your protection...

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Where is Your Breakfast From

OK, I will just come out and say it. I like breakfast burritos. I make them myself, and if I'm lazy I can get them via fast food restaurants. My favorite fast food BBs are from Chic-Fil-A either the regular chicken or the spicy chicken. The ones I eat the most are from McDonald's because there is a McDonald's on my way to work and it is very convenient. I also like the BBs from Hardees, but they are loaded up with cheese and sit much heavier on my stomach than the others.

The other day I got a couple burritos from McDonalds and I get to work and sit down to eat them. I eat the first burrito and all was well. I get to the second and see this...

The last time I check... burritos originated in Mexico or the American Southwest, not Asia.

I hope it isn't made with dog.

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Iron TurkeyToad

Sunday was Ironman Louisville, Kentucky. I competed in the race. My goal was simply to finish, which I did. My overall time was 14:07:09.

2.4 mile swim
112 mile bike
26.2 mile run
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140.6 miles, in one day. I did that.

My goal for the race starting out was to merely finish. However, when someone is doing a race, they always set some expectations besides just finishing. I had estimated what I thought I could do as follows: Swim 1:00-1:15 (I came in at 1:17), Bike average 17.5 miles/hour (I averaged 17.3 miles/hour), Run 5:00-6:00 (I came in at 6:01:31). Overall a great success!

I had great people with me, the Chief, Trent and Julie, and a few supporters via text messages with each. I especially what to thank my three supporters, they made things so much easier for me. They cheered me on (when they found me), Trent ran ahead with a camera and took pictures of me on the run. They retrieved my gear from the transition area while I was on the run section, that way I didn't have to walk an extra mile carrying my gear.

Now you know how I finished, next on to the pre-race. Packet pickup is on Friday. If you do not pick up your packet Friday, you cannot participate, no exceptions (according to the official instructions). The Chief and I go and pick up my packet on Friday. There is a welcome dinner and last minute race update after the packet pickup.

Saturday, there is a practice swim session where you can go and get into the water. Yes, the swim is in the Ohio river, and for the record, the smell/taste of the water was not that much worse than the normal water out of the tap... The goal for Saturday was to rest up and stay out of the sun for the race on Sunday.

Sunday comes along, I didn't sleep too well Saturday night, as I normally do when there is a big race or event the next day. I probably slept for 5-6 hours but in increasingly smaller chunks starting at midnight. The race started at 6:50 for the professional athletes, and at 7:00 for the age group athletes. Ironman Louisville is slightly different that other races, the swim start is a time-trial style start. Everyone lines up and you start in the order that you line up. According to some of the race volunteers, there were people starting to line up at 2:30 am. I hope that worked out for them, I was sleeping... I woke up at 4:00 and got ready to go, ate a couple bananas, then headed to the transition area to get everything ready: put the water bottles on my bike, put on sunblock, get body marked with my number and age group, and then head to the swim start.

As a result of my sleeping, I did not get into the water until 7:29. The swim goes upstream approximately 1300 meters then turns and goes downstream under a couple bridges and to the end of the swim next to Joe's Crab Shack. I did not get kicked in the face, and I don't believe that I kicked anyone in the face either. There was a fair amount of grab-ass in the water. That is very common, someone faster comes up on someone swimming slower and does not see them and tries to swim over the top of the slower swimmer. It happens.  I came up on a few people and a couple of them surprised me because I don't look forward on every stroke. In fact, if there is someone going my same pace, or very close, I will watch them when I breathe and follow them. There were three places where people piled up, at the turn from going upstream to downstream, the turn from going downstream to the exit, and at the steps for the exit. It is always a little tricky after swimming for 1+ hours and then suddenly going from horizontal to upright, there is a possibility of dizziness. I was very thankful for the volunteers helping athletes out of the water. I don't think I was in any danger of falling but I didn't have to find out either.

The transition from the swim to the bike works like this, you grab your T1 bag and go to the changing tent. I put on my bike jersey, socks, shoes, headband, helmet, ate a Gu packet, drank some water and electrolyte, took a salt tab, and put my goggles, and ear plugs into the bag and give it to a volunteer. Then, I leave the changing tent, go and get my bike from the rack then proceed out of the transition area to the line I have to cross before I get on my bike. I get on my bike and I'm off. The bike course was not terribly difficult. The first 20 and last 20 are relatively flat with hills in the middle. There were some areas where I was pushing 40 miles/hour on the downhills. The course was also laid out in such a manner that the uphill sections were not terrible. There was one out and back in the beginning that was about 6 miles. There were some nice hills. Then there was a 30 mile loop that we repeated twice. The last 20 miles is said to be downhill and flat to the finish, on Sunday, it did not seem that way. There was a wind out of the South west blowing straight into my face on the ride back in. My speed for the last split dropped to 16.5 miles/hour, dropping my average to 17.3.

I did have some problems on the bike, first it was deceptively hot outside. The temperature was 92°F, and try as I might, I could not drink enough fluids. I was taking Gu every 35-40 minutes, and drinking in between. There were 10 aid stations on the bike course. I made sure to drink on bottle of fluid between each stop, the Ironman Perform is 20 ounces, and the water bottles were 24 ounces. I drank 8 bottles of Perform and 2 bottles of water and 40 of the 48 ounces of electrolyte drink I was carrying at the start. It still was not enough. I started cramping about mile 80. I didn't stop, I took a salt tablet and reduced my effort. The cramps were on both the inside and outside of my legs, not my quads. Lets do the math... 160 ounces of perform (560 calories), 48 ounces of water, 40 ounces of my electrolyte drink. Total: 248 ounces, nearly 2 gallons of fluid.


The sun block that I normally use is Coppertone Sport SPF 50. It is Ultra Sweatproof and Waterproof according to the can. I apply generously before I head to get in line for the swim start. I guess waterproof is relative, maybe it wasn't designed for an Ironman swim... while on the bike, I noticed a bit of a problem... first that I forgot to put on my cycling gloves... since I always wear cycling gloves, I don't concentrate a lot of sun block on my hands. As a result, they got a little sun burnt. It also felt like my legs and arms were starting to burn and that is not normal for my long workouts. To be safe during Transition 2, I put on some more sunblock, not really knowing that I was getting roasted, I applied sunblock everywhere I had bare skin.

The volunteers were putting sunblock on the athletes in the transition area. I didn't think I needed any but as a precaution, I had someone put some on the back of my neck. I am very thankful for that. My legs and my hands got sun burnt a little and also a small spot near the bottom of my sleeves. Overall it is not near as bad as my Temporary Tattoo but still painful.



Next, the run... or walk/run. I walked through the transition to the official start of the run. Then ran about a half mile. At this point the course started going uphill onto the bridge for US-31. This is really the only uphill section on the course that is more that about 10 feet of elevation gain. I got to the top and ran for a bit more. Then I met the Chief, Trent and Julie a little before mile 2. The Chief jogged with me for a few yards, and Trent sprinted ahead of me with a camera to get a picture. Apparently the first two shots didn't come out too well, because he did it at least 3 times. It is kind of foggy at this point.

I averaged 13:47/mile. I was hoping to average 12:00/mile, but stuff happens, cramps again. This time my quads were cramping. I stopped at every aid station and drank at least 8 ounces, I did not eat much. I could not stomach any more Gu, I consumed 10 on the bike (1000 calories). They also had chicken broth, which I can attest is very good for leg cramps. I didn't believe it to start with. It took a little time to take effect but I started to run a little more during the last 10K and got my average for the last section back down to 13:01/mile when I had been averaging 14:00+/mile.

I am very happy just to have finished. Now I can take a couple days off from training...

Will there be another one? Who knows...

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Our Anniversary - Kind Of

A little more than a month ago the Chief and I celebrated an anniversary, 13 years. I know that is a long time for her to spend with me... and not have killed me for something. At least I have that going for me. I'm sure I have a lot of quirks, as does she. There were are few things that I thought the Chief did/does that I find a little strange.

The first thing is when we were driving. Specifically when I was driving and a light changes from green to yellow while we are in the intersection. She would hit the roof of the car with her hand when we went under the yellow light. If the light changed to red before we left the intersection she would not hit the roof. I don't know why she did this. Maybe it was for luck. Maybe it was to get ranch dressing on the interior roof of my car (she might fling stuff if she happened to be eating...). One day she stopped doing it becasue she said it was kind of silly.

Another thing she does is eat mayonaise or ranch dressing on everything, for example: French fries, cheese sticks, a spoon. This may not be strange to everyone, but it is strange to me. (I'm actually kidding about the spoon, I have never witnessed her doing that.)

The next thing she did, and still does, is take the paper straw wrappers and tie them in a knot. She then pulls really quickly and tries to pull through the knot. If the paper breaks and has a knot it is bad, if the paper breaks and there is no knot, then it is good. I think she told me that if there is no knot, that someone is thinking about you, the knot puller.

The last thing she does is sort her French fries. There are only certain types of FFs that are acceptable for the Chief to eat. First and foremost, they cannot have any potato skin on them. She will not order FFs at a restaurant where she knows has skin on the potatoes. She also will not get fries at Burger King. I think it is because they use a different type of oil for deep frying. She thinks it gives them a bad taste. She likes the fries at McDonalds, although she does not eat there very often. She also likes the fries from Steak and Shake. In fact we visited Steak and Shake yesterday and I was able to take an example picture.

I annotated each fry in the above picture and showed the reason for the exclusion. What usually happens is the sorted fries end up on my plate. I'm OK with that because I am not so picky when it comes to fries. I can also tell when she is starting to get full, then she becomes more discriminating with her fry selection.

So back to the anniversary, what to get the Chief for our anniversary. I decided to look at some web sites to see what traditional and contemporary gifts would be. I found this:

                   Traditional                Modern
12 years     Silk or Linen                Pearls
13 years          Lace                 Textiles or Furs
14 years          Ivory                  Gold Jewelry

None of that stuff sounds very good so I decided to ask the Chief what she would like for our anniversary. We had just returned from our trip to Italy so she said that she didn't need anything for our anniversary. The trip to Italy was more than enough present. That was an ok answer for me but I didn't like it. I still wanted to get her something. So our anniversary came and went and I didn't have anything to get her. She likewise did not get me anything for the same reason. I still was not happy with the situation of not getting her a gift, but it was driven out of my mind somewhat because of my extensive training.

Currently I am training for an Ironman at the end of August. The training is overlapping with training for the Evansville Half Marathon, which I will also do. I have talked the Chief into joining the Team 13 training for the half even though she says she will not do the final race. She is going to do the warm up races, a 10K and a 15K.

So why not get the Chief a present for our 13.1 year anniversary since I'm training for a half marathon and she is doing the Team 13 training. But what to get her?

Here is what I chose:

I have been saving these straw papers for 3+ years in my desk at work... and I wasn't sure what I was going to do with them.

She laughed for about 5 minutes when she opened the box and saw what was inside.

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Storage Wars Crap

There is a faux reality show on A&E called Storage Wars where people buy the contents of storage units when the original owner does not continue to pay the rent. There is no tampering of the lockers by the show or the producers... all the stuff in there is exactly as it was left (note intense sarcasm). There are a select group of people that always go the the auctions because they think they can make money selling the stuff in the storage unit above and beyond the auction price.

They always buy a locker for somewhere between $5 to $1500 and estimate the value of the stuff found inside plus some kind of Pier One markup.

I have to admit that I watch the show sometimes while the Chief and I are getting ready for bed. It takes the Chief 5-10 minutes longer than it does me, so I watch some TV while I wait. If nothing else catches my attention then I might land on one of these faux reality shows.

One show in particular caught my eye. Not just because the people on the show are idiots... but because some of the contents of one of the storage lockers looked like something that I own. I saw our TV room lamp in the storage unit. Here is the lamp in our TV room:

I liked this so much that I took a video of the show so I could put it up here. Please pardon the quality of the video.

I don't even want to get started about the character on the show... so I will concentrate on the item in the locker. The shades are somewhat discolored... so are your eyebrows. Anyway, our shades are a little discolored around the bulb that is on all the time. I bet it has something to do with the heat in the storage unit and the fact that the shades are made from cheap white plastic. Our shades stopped discoloring once we changed to CFL bulbs.

Seriously... $275 for this lamp, with incandescent light bulbs in it? I did some thinking about when we bought the lamp, I think it was soon after we moved to Southern Indiana in 2002. So our lamp is about 12 years old. We bought it at Target, so I should look online and see if it is still offered. Sure enough, the lamp is still available here.

Notice the price of a whopping $34.99, probably plus shipping and handling. As long as shipping and handling is less than $240 then I think I would buy this lamp at Target. They also sell the same lamp with the CFL bulbs included, the bulbs are somewhat expensive. Here is the link, only $54.99 with free shipping on any purchase over $50. CFL bulbs are 5 for $20? That sounds like a lot... $4 a bulb. Let's check on that too... Here at Lowe's they have 18 CFL bulbs for $25.02... $1.39 a bulb. Must be a big handling fee or maybe the bulbs come pre-installed at $2.61 a bulb. So that is how much it costs to install a light bulb.

Remind me never to go to the gallery he sells this lamp to... or buy included CFL bulbs with a lamp. I'll sell him my lamp for $150 and he will think I gave him a great deal.

Sorry about the math...
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More Signs from Out and About

I only wanted to post 3 stories about our trip to Italy but I forgot one important picture that I took. A few posts ago I wrote about graffiti in a post titled "I Think This Would Be Funny." First I have to say that I do not condone graffiti and that I think that it is a waste of time, money and energy. Even though some of it makes me laugh.

When we were walking through Rome, there were a lot of advertisements for over prices clothing stores. Of course, I also think, no, I know that I am cheap, especially when it comes to clothing. I don't spend a lot of money on clothing. I have other expensive hobbies that I would much rather spend my money on.

Anyway, I though of my old post when I saw the advertisement. I also thought that it would be funny if there was some graffiti on said advertisement. So I thought I would take the liberty...

So for the rest of this post I will put up some of the pictures of random crap that I have found in my picture archive. They are all pictures that I have taken...

This first one is from Tokyo... where else could it be since it says on the sign... Don't do it!

These next two pictures are of a rental car the I rented to go on a day trip to a customer for work. It was a good thing there were only two of us going, it would be difficult to put someone in the backseat of the car.

 

On GM's website it says the Chevy Cruze seats 5 people. I don't know if this means Americans... my guess it is people who have been spotted on the back of approximately 1 in 5 cars on the road, particularly SUVs... these guys:

In case you were wondering... I drew that myself. I know, I should become a professional graphic designer. I'm at least as qualified as the people who make those stupid stickers.

Next we have a sign from a company. I have removed the name of the company because I'm a nice guy.

Note the restrictions on the bottom right hand corner of the sign, No Smoking, OK, that is normal, No naked lights? What was that? No naked lights. Naked light must be obscene. I think we should all put clothes on our lights to prevent accidents. Here is an example of how to do it:

If you or someone in your family is crafty, maybe you could make the clothes, or just perhaps use a tube sock.

Before I put up the next picture, I have to say something. I know that it must be an honor to have your name on the building, especially in recognition of great devotion and hard work towards a cause or business. For example, making partner in a law firm and having your name put on the sign out front. In some cases the name of the partner and the type of business in question should play a role in determining if your name should be up on the sign for everyone to see. I give you this:

I wonder if this conversation has ever taken place on the first meeting between doctor and patient?

Doctor: "Hello, Sandra, it is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Fish."

Patient: "I bet you get this all the time... So your name is 'Fish' and you are a gynecologist. Isn't that ironic?"

Next time maybe they should go with initials...

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P.S. Here is my new favorite 'demotivational' poster.

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Pompeii - Our Italian Vacation Part 3

On the last day of our Italian visit we took a tour to Naples and Pompeii. The concentration was on Pompeii but there was a very quick tour of Naples at the beginning.

Every morning my dad goes to the local restaurant for coffee. He doesn't really only go for the coffee, he can make coffee at home, he goes to talk to the people there. Most all of them are retired or at least retirement age. In Naples the custom is slightly different.

Lots of old European mankinis...

Now on to Pompeii, first a little history... sorry if it is boring. Pompeii was buried by the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in 79 AD. It was lost for centuries and was eventually found during a construction project in the 16th century. The excavation were stopped and then started again in 1748 and continues to this day. During our visit there were a couple different areas where excavation was in progress.

It is a very large place. Once you have seen a few highlights the rest of it makes you say, "Look, more ruins..." That was the same thing we started saying in Rome on the third day too. During this tour we actually had a tour guide for the first 2 hours of the visit to the ruins. He followed a somewhat haphazard route through the city hitting most of the high points.

He explained interesting facts about the temples, the forum, the men's bath, the women's bath, the residences, and the whore house. Yes, the whore house. Only the guide called it the "hospital." I'm not sure if it was a concidence or not, but the "hospital" was next to the pharmacy. If you didn't know where the "hospital" was, there were various markers that pointed (ha ha) you in the right direction. Here is one such directional marker.

Once you reached the "hospital" one interesting thing about it was that there was a menu, so to speak, of the services offered.

Now I understand why the "hospital" was next to the pharmacy...

One of the other interesting things about the market outside the ruins is the great variety of souvenirs that you can purchase. One thing there seemed to be an inordinate number of penises and all of them had wings. I had to buy one or else nobody would believe. Here is the picture as proof...

They also had various other types of key chains. Here is another one we bought only so you will believe me.

I didn't see that on the menu. That must be on the menu at the women's "hospital."

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Our Italian Vacation Part 2

We also visited the Vatican and the Vatican museum, St. Peter's Cathedral, Sistine Chapel, etc. One of the really cool things about St. Peter's Cathedral is the size. There are marks on the floor showing where other cathedrals in the world would fit inside it. We visited a cathedral in Washington DC and we thought it was huge, it fit a little less than half way inside of St. Peter's.

Here is an image from the door towards the altar.

To give a better perspective of the size. The picture below is on one of the columns along the main isle in the picture above. The Chief is standing at the foot of the column giving a reference to the size of the lowest statue... the baby in the statue is 6 feet tall.

On our way into the Vatican museum, there is a mandatory bag check for bags above a certain size. I think the size is arbitrary as I had to check my backpack but I saw other backpacks of similar size being carried... not that I'm complaining, there were a lot of stairs to climb to get to the top of the cathedral. Anyway, next to the bag check was this sign:

Whatever you do, don't take off your clothes and expect them to hold them while you streak. It's not gonna happen.

One of the nice things about being on a vacation like this, especially when you are visiting on a Saturday, is that there are not too many people there visiting with you. I give you this example:

At some point near the beginning of the tour of the Vatican Museum, we found the hall of miscellaneous statue parts... the only reason there are no people there is because it is roped off and nobody can walk down that hall.

Later that evening we were exiting the subway and found that there is definitely some discrimination against the French.

The English go one way, the French go another, and the universal sign for "exit" (smaller in green and white) follows the English. I'm not going to go the French way, we had a bad experience with a very smelly French woman when we visited Paris. I don't want to find out if it spilled over into Italy.

I also mentioned that my boss stayed in Rome with us for the weekend. She left in the early afternoon on Sunday to catch her flight to her next fun workfilled destination. So the Chief and I decided to look in some shops and see if there was anything we could not live without. About the only thing we could not live without was some gelato. I got some and the Chief got her own. It was pretty hot and it was melting pretty quickly. The difference between hers and mine was she got whipped topping on hers. I tasted it and the topping was not very good. I suggested she scrape it off into a trash can and concentrate on the gelato beneath. Here is what actually happened:

She swears it was an accident and that she stumbled on the sidewalk cracks.

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