More Fun with Kesha

Random Task sent me some more text messages from Kesha. Here is the first conversation. This time it builds on the Not Sam I Am Dr. Seuss theme...

I don't think there was any more of this. I'm somewhat saddened by the loss of Kesha and Mason. Maybe we will have some more later.

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The Christmas Season

This year we are celebrating Christmas with our families as we normally do. The only years when we did not visit our families during Christmas was when the Chief worked in retail and was required to work the day after for returns.

If anyone is interested, here are some items that I recently added to my Christmas list:

• Canon EOS 5D Mark II
• Trek Speed Concept 9.9
• A Sun Room for the house
• Audi A3

Some things that I am not interested in receiving for Christmas include items in the list below. Some of them are obvious...

A Bag Smasher Re-shaper Thingy

A monkey

A Hippo

Although it would probably help me fertilize the yard...

This:

A Peek-a-Boo Goose

I think it would crap all over everything. Plus it flies.

Thank you for reading

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What Were You Cooking?

My brother stayed at my Grandparrents house for a few months after my grandparrents both passed away. He was staying there to look after the house and grounds. It is a farm house and the grounds contain a lot of buildings complete with farm machinery, tools, etc...

The house is also a good distance away from neighbors.

I go over to visit and find this sitting on the stove. At one time I think it was an old frying pan. I wonder if the smoke alarm in the background was taken down during the cooking episode that damaged this frying pan?

Remind me not to let my brother cook for me...

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The Chief and I recently visited Red Hat Jef and family in Florida. Normally the way these trip work is that I drive my car down and a day or two later I use frequent flier miles and fly the Chief down. She doesn't get as much vacation as I do and she doesn't like to drive or ride in the car for the 12-ish hour drive.

The last time she drove to Florida was shortly after we were married. The trip was with my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa. We drove two cars down. Dad drove one and I drove the other. It just so happens on this trip that the Chief starts feeling sick. What works for being sick? A lot of NyQuil. She slept the entire trip to Florida in the back seat of mom and dad's car while I drove grandma and grandpa. When she would wake up she would take some more medicine, drink some juice to get the taste out of her mouth, then go back to sleep. She missed Dad's detour through downtown Atlanta where he took and exit that he was not supposed to take. It was a very peaceful trip for her.

That trip was not as bad as it sounds. We visited my grandpa's sister and she had a large house with a guest apartment. She let us use the guest room so we could have some privacy. That was nice. It was definitely better than sleeping on the sofa...

That was also the trip where the Chief pierced her belly button...

Anyway back to travelling with the Chief... We visit for a few days then I fly her back and I hit the road for the drive. I normally leave early and Red Hat Jef is nice enough to take the Chief to the airport since it is in the opposite direction as home.

This trip RHJ had to leave early for a trip so he could not take the Chief to the airport. OK, no problem. I go ahead and take her to the airport. While we are on the way the Chief says, "How far out of the way is the airport for you?" I answer that it will take me about an extra two hours of driving. She says something on the order of, "Forget that, lets just drive home." I ask repeatedly if she is sure and I am assured that it will be fine. I ask, "Are you doing the girl thing?..."

She wasn't. So we drove home together. She didn't drive any, which is fine since I didn't plan on having company for the trip. It was very nice. We were able to use her smart phone and find restaurants and see how traffic is moving. All in all it was a very nice trip.

But before we even left RHJ's hometown, let alone Florida, we see this jem...

I love it as much as the next guy. But the driver was a girl.

I love Florida!!!

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London Dining

The food in London is definitely different than the United States. One of the biggest differences that I found is that the Londoners really like things baked into pies. There are many different varieties and since we were in a foreign country, we try to eat like the locals. We ate pie. I had a very good steak and ale pie. The Chief had a couple similar to the steak and ale and she also had a seafood pie with salmon and other assorted seafood. It was also very good.

The Chief also discovered that she likes the British cider - as opposed to beer. She detests beer in nearly all circumstances. She will occasionally get a bottle of Rolling Rock and drink half of it... but she liked the cider. Here is the proof:

She actually finished the entire drink. We will look for some of that when we are back in the US. Another comment about the beer is the carbonation level. There seems to be much less carbonation in the beer in the UK versus the USA. I have to say that I like the beer with less carbonation. It seems to make it much smoother. I think that was because the beer on tap was not under pressure in a keg like here. The method for serving up a beer is by using a hand pump. It takes a little longer but the results are better.

We had Indian food one evening and it was very good. There we got to partake in the bounty that is Cobra beer. Since it was in an Indian restaurant, it is only fitting to drink an Indian beer.

I don't know a lot about Indian cuisine. I don't claim to know a lot about coffee either. In one of my summer jobs I worked at a grocery store and a trucking company. I had the lowest seniority in both places so therefore I got the job of cleaning the restrooms. Therefore, I have learned a thing or two about floaters.

I have at least learned enough to know that I don't want floaters in my coffee.

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London Shopping

I had a business trip to London, England, United Kingdom a couple weeks ago. It worked out that I got to take the Chief along for the ride. One of my coworkers also took his wife along and Rafael, our friend and co-worker from Brazil was also attending the meetings. Rafael was just finishing up his vacation to the USA and decided to fly directly from the USA to London, his wife going along too.

So while we worked, the three ladies got to tour around London. They also shopped a little. I cannot complain about the Chief (mainly because she reads this blog) because she does not spend frivolously. She is a very good bargain hunter. She bought a few things, one of which I will show you now.

I get back to the room after meetings and the Chief is really excited. She can't wait to show me what she bought. I'm a little worried but not sure what to think. She shows me some stuff that she found. It is OK (I don't get near as excited as she does when buying things). The thing that stood out were these:

OK, they are shoes. They are shiny where the foot goes (I don't get that, why?) and also on the heel. Here is the kicker...

When she wears them she is as tall as me if I'm barefoot. I hope she doesn't kick me. Maybe she will dance for me in them... probably not.

Also while out touring about London (before we get finished with the meetings) the girls go to the British Museum. They go and tour the various exhibits. Some of the highlights were (in no particular order): the Parthenon sculptures from Greece, the Easter Island statue, a collection of jade and Chinese sculptures, and many other things.

In the evening when we were finished with our meetings we followed the girls back to the museum. The Chief really likes ancient Egypt and she wanted us to see the Rosetta Stone. We find the nearest underground station to the museum and start walking. It is a little late in the evening, or at least it feels like it because it has been dark for 2 hours but in reality it is only 7:00pm. The museum is open until 8:30pm on this day (Friday) so we head in. The Chief guides us to the section containing the Rosetta Stone. Here it is:

Closed... fail. back to the underground.

While waling around looking for the Ministry of Silly Walks we found this:

We didn't need to stop. We has spent a lot of time the past week with Brazilians...

When we were travelling back to the hotel via the underground. The Chief spotted what I think will be a new trend in fashion. You will never have wrinkled clothes with this accessory.

More to come.

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Let the Journey Begin

I love travelling with the Chief. I also like it when she travels by herself. Then I get to hear about the people near her when she is flying. I think that I fly enough that I have become immune to most of the crap that you have to deal with while flying. Plus the frequent business travelers get first choice of seating and generally sit near other frequent flyers that follow the standard etiquette.

For instance, a couple of years ago, I was returning to the US from a trip to Brazil. I was seated in seat B on the aisle. There was a gentleman sitting in seat A in the window. We are in row 17 so there are people sitting all around us since it is a full flight. About 15 minutes after dinner is over and the trays are taken back, someone farts, the SBD kind. There was no warning pingage off of the faux leather seats, all the sudden I was punched in the face by whiff of mud monkey. It is sad to say, but sometimes that happens.  You are stuck in an aluminum tube for multiple hours and sometimes people fart. Either they don't have the courtesy to go to the restroom or they just sneak out. It happens. 

The fart lingers for a moment, the air jets give me some fresh air and the foulness abates. 10 minutes later another blast, still no sound to point to a culprit. I thought it might be the guy next to me. Although, he was not shifting in his seat as would be the case if he had just let two juicy hindenburgs fly and needed to go and clean up. Another 10 minutes and another blast. This time the guy sitting next to me declares: “It isn’t me, I’m a professional.” He said this kind of loud so I am sure whoever had the bloated donkey carcass residing in their colon would have heard him. We didn’t have any more blasts after that.

The Chief however, has not flown that much and always has the most colorful characters sitting around her. I try to get her the good seats, but sometimes they are all full. Here is a small list of the stereotypical passengers she has had the pleasure of travelling in close proximity to:

• Sweaty overweight man
• Sweaty overweight woman
• Overly talkative beauty queen
• Unhappily married couple that argue the entire duration of the flight
• Crying baby – everyone has had this one…
• Toddler that asks too many questions to their somewhat annoyed parent
• Toddler that kicks the back of the seat
• Middle aged lady that does not know the proper pressure needed to use the touch screen on the back of the seat thereby transforming into the toddler previously mentioned

 We recently went to London. This time I was flying with the Chief and we found another stereotypical figure to add to the list: Bluetooth wearing half deaf loud talker. He is dressed nicely and is not overweight. His hair is slightly too perfect and he has a “Dirty Sanchez” mustache. Go ahead and Google image search for “Dirty Sanchez, “ I dare you…

We are sitting in the three seat section in the middle of the plane. I'm in the aisle, the Chief is in the middle and of course he sits down next to the Chief. He is talking much louder than is necessary for a normal conversation. I can only assume the excess volume is due to 1, the crappy sound quality of his Bluetooth earpiece or 2, he is just a dick. I’m going to vote for number two.

He talks for about 15 minutes then gets up, while talking and goes to the restroom. When he comes back, he is still talking but he sits in the empty seat across the aisle. He is still talking very loudly. I was not paying attention to what he was talking about or with whom he was talking too. I am hoping it was a female based on the last part of his conversation that the Chief overheard. One thing I heard him say was, “I’m sitting on the plane. I have my ‘princess’ mask and will be asleep before dinner is served.” One thing I know for certain, he is no princess, maybe a queen, but not a princess.

While we could not help but listening to excerpts from his conversation no matter how hard we tried, we were texting with a coworker and his wife who also happen to be travelling with us on this trip. Here are the texts:

ME:  Can you hear Ken Tarmac? He is next to the Chief...

T: Hahaha we were laughing when he got on the plane 

T: Hey Shooter!!! We just landed

ME:  I'm waiting for the Chief to bitch slap him

T:  Do It!!!

ME:  He just gave the Chief the 'stink eye' for LOL-ing...

T:  Haha Well he's the one with the dirty sanchez

ME: And the fashionable blue tooth hearing aid 

T:  The mark of the douche 

ME:  Le Grand Douche Canoe... with his beacon of blue toothiness... he will conquer the evil Zarloc by talking loudly and saying 'What was that?'

T:  And he will throw down a heavy layer of pontificating so that those in ear shout distance know of his supremeness and will cower in fear holding their ears.

Now he gets up and goes to the restroom, all the while still talking on the phone. From the bathroom he sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown...

ME:  He moved, hopefully permanently

T:  Good luck!  

The Chief heard a different portion of his conversation. She turns to me and says, “If you are ever talking to me on the phone in an airplane, don’t ask me to send you a dirty picture of me.”

I say, “Don’t worry, I would send you a text with that request. I wouldn’t want to share with anyone else…” I’ve said it before, those are just for me.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a photo of DS after he returned from the crapper.

What a douche... getting ready to pick his nose (I don't know if that actually happened or not) and not wearing shoes.

He also was sleeping with his feet in the aisle, and by sleeping I mean wearing a princess mask and wrapping up with three blankets... The stewardess hit his feet with the food cart...

BONUS!

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Chemistry Words

We just returned from London and I have a couple of stories from there. The first revolves around the trip to get there. It is a silly place...

Now we are visiting family for the holidays and I have access to a good computer while I'm visiting, and a good internet connection... we hooked the Chief's mom and dad up with high speed internet through a local cable provider. Chief-dad had been reluctant to switch from dial up internet ($10 per month) because he thought it was too expensive. So we did a trade... first, we got Chief-dad a cell phone on our plan for $10 per month. He insisted paying us $120 every year. We then signed up Chief-mom up for the same deal but rather than have them give us $240 every year we got them cable internet. They now pay for the internet which is about $40 per month and we pay for the phones. This way the difference is only $10 more than when he was paying for dial up. Anyway, if that is confusion I apologize. Just know they now have cell phones and high speed internet...

I also built a new desktop PC for home and once it was finished I gave the old one to Chief-mom and Chief-dad. It is 4 years old but still works well. We also installed a wireless network so the smart phones and laptops will work here. There is no data coverage for any carrier in this location.

One of the things the Chief and I do is play Words With Friends together. She plays on her smart phone and I play on Facebook. Since i work in a field where chemistry is involved sometimes I play words that have to do with chemistry. The Chief hates this. She is also playing with one of my coworkers and my coworker will play chemistry words on occasion and the Chief always complains, "Damn chemistry words..." or something like that.

I played "toluene". She did not like it too much. She called to voice her disapproval. Here is the voice mail she left me.

Damn chemistry words!!

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No Child Left Behind

When Pepe and I were finishing college and going through the interviews on campus, he found a job relatively early on as I mentioned here. The job was a continuation of an internship he had the previous summer. Pepe had a great new job, making much more money than he had ever made before. The first thing he does is get a new car. He gets a loan for a used car based on his job offer.

The car was a 1995 Chevy Camaro. It had a very powerful engine, especially compared to the stock engine. The car would get down and move. Add in the manual transmission and you have a beast of a car.

Pepe loves that car. So much so that he still has it. It is in good running condition due to his meticulous maintenance and pampering. I think that until he had children he used to carefully wash and polish the car using the finest Chinese silk... or maybe it was an old t-shirt.

There have been some issues with the car. One particular incident comes to mind. Pepe parked the car in his driveway. For reasons unknown to anyone except Murphy, the car pops out of gear. Pepe's driveway is sloped so the car rolls down the driveway into the road. Lucky for Pepe, the road is not a busily traveled road in their subdivision. It is also late winter/early spring so nobody is out and about.

The car did not stop at the road. It proceeded to roll across the road and down a slope and straight into a pond.

No geese were harmed.

A tow truck, replacing some interior carpet and replacing some rusted out floor boards and he still has a very fast car.

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Here is another text I get from Pepe. He keeps giving me stuff to post.

I think the 'No Child Left Behind Act' was a secret ploy to make sure people flush after dropping the kids off at the pool

I think he is right.

Do your part to prevent floaters.

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Brazilian Holiday Cakes

Our friends from Brazil came to visit this past week. This was the first time the happy couple have visited together. Prior to the marriage the USA consulate, in their infinite wisdom, would not give Rafael's girlfriend / fiance a visa.

Anyway, the Chief and I have visited together with them in Brazil. We have even spent vacation time (in addition to when I was working) and went to the beach with them.

Whenever Rafael has visited the USA he has always brought gifts for us. This trip was no exception. One of the things we liked during our visit to the beach was one of the holiday cakes that you can purchase in the local grocery stores. I think they are available all over Brazil but I have not been all over Brazil to know that for certain, yet. They are nothing like fruit cake. This particular cake is chocolate chip.

They brought us one of these cakes! We are talking awesome!

The only bad thing about this cake is that once you open it you can sit and eat the entire cake if you are not careful.

I'm taking the rest into work tomorrow to share a little bit of the love...

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Chief Chicken Ranch

The Chief does not cook very much. She does not really like to cook and that is ok. I enjoy cooking and I normally make things that she likes even though it is a little difficult with her outlook on food (link). Nothing green is allowed except for lettuce and not a lot of that. Although, recently we have found a local restaurant that has a good Greek salad that the Chief likes. We may eat there every couple weeks.

When the Chief does cook she usually starts drinking. She is not a heavy drinker at all. Normally she will consume a glass of wine or perhaps two, normally is is about 1 and a quarter... She also likes the occasional apple martini which is a vodka martini with Apple Pucker added. She normally cooks when I am not home, perhaps on a business trip. That is ok it is better than eating out all the time. I usually get some of the leftover food for when I return home.

The Chief cooks a number of things that she calls her specialties. These include tater tot casserole, seafood lasagna, chicken and cheese enchiladas, cheesy potato soup and her newest dish is called Chief Ranch Chicken. Actually it is called Ranch Chicken and I just named it because I think she modified the recipe slightly to better suit her taste. I think the dish that I like the best is the chicken and cheese enchiladas.

As far as I can tell the recipe consists of:

• Chicken Breast
• Cheese
• More cheese

The entire dish is then baked until the chicken is cooked and the cheese is slightly browned around the edges.

Now, I like cheese. I think it is tasty. I like baked cheese. I enjoy festivals where you find “fried stuff with cheese.” I will put cheese on breakfast eggs and on salads.

Since the Chief likes this dish and only makes it when I am travelling, it took quite a while before I was able to have some. The Chief made an extra dish of it the last time she made it. When I returned there were two pieces of chicken remaining. I go the refrigerator and take out the dish and take out one of the two chicken breasts and put it on a plate to cut and reheat. The chicken is covered and surrounded with cheese. Maybe, I should call it a cheese crater. See for yourself:

Yum, yum cheesy goodness.

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In other news… I like to make home brewed iced tea and take it to work to drink throughout the day. I make a mint tea that is caffeine free. One batch makes about two liters of tea. I use 4 regular sized tea bags and an iced tea maker.

The procedure is:

1. Fill iced tea maker with water 
2. Fill tea pitcher with ice to the line 
3. Add tea or tea bags to the iced tea maker 
4. Shut lid and press start 
5. Wait until it is finished brewing and pour into a glass and drink

Last week I made tea and this was the result.

I think we had a failure to follow step number 3.

N00b = Me

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Who's Tasting Who

I am not a picky eater by any stretch of the imagination. The Chief is some what picky when it comes to what is put on the table in front of her. When you travel for business to foreign countries you don't always get to eat what you normally would at home. Sometimes you have to eat the local fare. I know there are people that only eat meat and potatoes. That is difficult when traveling in Asia, especially if you don't consider rice to be a kind of small white potato...

Hotels are kind of strange when it comes to food. Especially business hotels in Asia. They always try to cater to the business visitor and have some choices that are Western. They almost always have a breakfast buffet and some of the items strike me as a little odd. I have been known to eat some things not considered breakfast food for breakfast: such as a pork chop and steamed broccoli, or rib-eye steak with sauteed peppers and onions.

Some of the stranger things that I found for breakfast on this recent trip to China are:

Spaghetti along side hashed brown potatoes. The potatoes look good with the peppers and onions added.

Macaroni and cheese along side yams.

Some of the items are a little more regional: such as the Taiwan Sausage or the Morning Tea Sausage. I don't know which is which but they were both pretty good.

Sometimes there is what I would consider bar food for breakfast such as pumpkin pie. But it is not traditional USA variety pumpkin pie. This is deep fried pumpkin pie along side deep fried radish cakes. I did not try these. I am not a huge fan of traditional pumpkin pie due to getting an upset stomach after eating too much (all the pie except one piece - with extra whipped topping, of course).

I also found another use for a coffee mug tree. Note the use of the first versus the use of the second at the breakfast buffet at the hotel.

Sometimes I eat some strange things. My philosophy is I will eat it if others at the table also eat it. If it is something odd and I'm not sure how to eat it, I always let someone else eat first. This is somewhat easier with Chinese style dining since many different dishes are placed on the table and you can take what you like from each one. That gives some time to watch others eat a particular dish before you try it yourself. The other difficulty comes from dining utensils. I don't like to look like a n00b from the USA, even though it is inevitable, but I always use chop sticks. I'm not too bad using them but I'm nowhere near as good as a "native." 

This trip showed me two new items, one beverage and one main dish. The beverage is baijiu. It is a distilled liquor. The version we were drinking was 55% alcohol or 110 proof. It is pretty strong stuff. The way you drink it is by putting it into a small pitcher, maybe a third or a quarter of a cup of liquid. Then you pour it into a small miniature shot glass. The small shot glasses are about one fifth the size of a normal USA shot glass. This is good because it spreads out the alchoholic goodness and prevents severe drunkenness.    

The second thing I ate that was new to me was the following. Do you know what it is?

  

It is duck tongue. Shown are at least 6 duck tongues. They were kind of pickled and had a bit of spice to them. There was also a nice piece of cartilage down the middle of the tongue. You ate the softer part off the outside. It wasn't too bad. I ate three or four of them before the night was over. While I was eating them I was wondering if the duck could taste me too. 

If you look at the top right hand corner of the picture with the duck tongue, you can see the pitcher used to hold and pour the baijiu into the small shot glass.

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On an unrelated note... Happy Birthday to Ashley on Sunday... she asked for it.

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Many Moods

When I visit other countries I normally exchange some money. Some countries that I go to I don't change much money because I can use credit cards for everything. I normally exchange a small amount of cash for incidentals.

One neat thing about foreign money is the variety of different styles and decorations on the money. For example, the Euro paper bills are all the same regardless of the country printing them but the coins are all different. One side is the same for all member countries while the other side is as individual as the country minting it. I didn't know a lot about the Euro and I found out this tidbit by accident when looking at money I brought back from a recent trip.

On this last trip to China I changed US$120 initially into Renminbi or RMB. I got 700 RMB for my US$120 which is a bit of a screwing. There was a 50rmb service charge and the exchange rate was not so good. That is what I get for exchanging money at the airport. Normally you get a decent rate at the airport...

I expected to need some money for some food, like a quick lunch, subway ticket or something at a train station or a souvenir here or there. I did not know that I needed to use my own cash for the train tickets we would take. For that reason I needed to get some more money from an ATM. The first ATM I tried was a Bank of China ATM and it did not work. I would input my card, type in my PIN and then the only option in either the checking or savings menu was to check the balance. There was no option to withdraw money. OK, so I tried to check the balance... FAIL. That did not work either.

I did not tell my bank that I was going to be travelling and that I might need to withdraw some money. So I get on the phone and call. They look up my account and tell me there was no request to withdraw money, duh, big red truck... I didn't have that as an option. The banker guy told me that I should try to find a different type of ATM. Later that day I found another ATM at the train station. This time it was a Citi ATM and I was able to get more cash.

In the United States we have dead presidents' pictures on our currency. In a communist country the money has the picture of the current head of state. I saved some of the money so I could share. Here are some of the paper bills.

In this first 5 RMB note, you can see by the portrait that he was obviously having a good hair day and that I think his request to his personal hair dresser was to "make it poofy on the sides." I think the hair dresser was probably executed... not for lack of skill but for making the most benevolent leader's hair too poofy on the sides.

The next denomination of cash is obviously a 10 RMB. The current exchange rate makes this about US$1.50. We can also clearly see that while posing for this portrait the benevolent leader was obviously a little upset. Perhaps he misses his hair dresser.

A 20 RMB note shows the benevolent leader as surprised.

A 50 RMB note shows his anger, or maybe that is constipation.

Finally the 100 RMB note (US$15.50). The emotion here is obviously laughter. He probably heard some type of joke where a Priest, a Rabbi, and Chuck Norris walk into a bar... roundhouse kicks ensue.

Here is also a sign that I found during my various visits through the Chinese factories.

This can only mean one of two possible things.

1. You cannot go through this door if you head is not attached.
2. No dancing next to the door.

No one did anything when I danced next to the door...

Next post will be about food.

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Found Him!

For all of you hunters out there, both amateur and professional, I have to say that I beat you. I found him first.

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The Foreign Market

One of the things I love about traveling abroad is the strange use of the English language. Of course there is the fact that besides English, I speak only a little Spanish and because of that I sometimes feel like an idiot – or at least ignorant. That being said, I took some pictures of strange signs. I had to wait until I returned from China before I could get to some of the pictures because my phone is lame and cannot send or transfer pictures when in foreign countries.

I visited a supermarket in China while I was here. I think it was pretty cool since it is obviously not a place the tourists frequent. This store has some of everything, clothing, house wares, electronics and food. The food section was very interesting. There are the traditional canned and boxed foods as found in supermarkets in the USA. There are aquariums with the freshest selection of foods. This is not altogether unknown to me.

There are a lot of restaurants in Asia that have aquariums when you walk in and actually pick out the fish you want to eat. Then it is prepared for you while you are waiting. Here is a picture of the Chief’s ass when we were visiting a seafood restaurant on the beach in Malaysia, note the aquariums beside her.

This supermarket had the traditional fish fare as seen in this first picture. The main difference is people take the live food home and prepare it. Talk about fresh. It also give you a better appreciation for where our food comes from. 

In addition to the normal fish, they also have some things that I consider non-standard such as turtles and some squid packed on ice.

But what else is that in the picture? Frogs? Yes, frogs.

I have had frog legs before but I don’t think they have ever been this fresh… even when my brother and I were snaring them with fishing poles at pond next to our home growing up. Eventually we caught enough to make it worthwhile to clean and eat them.

While walking though the supermarket one other sign peaked my interest. I think it is instructions on how to wear a bra but I’m not sure. It also seems like this would be better placed in a dressing room (I did not see any of these or dressing rooms).

OK. So let us see if I understand how to put a bra on. I don’t have any experience with that, my limited  bra experience is in taking them off and tossing them to the floor or using them as a hat after the Chief has finished the laundry… So now we can go through the steps as I see them:

1.   After putting on the bra it looks like you need to punch yourself just north of your kidneys using both hands in a kind of "thumbs up" fist. 

2.   Then you need to punch yourself above the right breast using your left hand. Use your right hand to make sure you don’t punch too high.

3.   Scratch your lower back using both hands in a twisting motion.

4.   Cut off your right hand wrist and fondle your left breast using your left hand while holding the top of the left breast with your bloody stump.

  

I kind of feel sorry for the right breast… it gets left out of the fun.

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Floating Down the Tracks

I am currently on a business trip to China. It is my first trip to China and I had some reservations about coming here from all of the stories that I have heard regarding the climate and the pollution. One thing that I heard was that the sun did not shine during the work week of Monday through Friday because of the industrial pollution. The sun would be a little visible during Saturday and it would clear off very nicely on Sunday. By Monday the factories have started back up and the sky is dark again.

My experience has been different. The sun has been out every day since I have arrived. It has been a little hazy at times, like Southern California when the haze is bad. There was one day that it rained so I did not expect to see the sun that day.

I am finding that there is a certain smell to the air and that it varies city to city, I guess based on the industry near the city. I also have acquired a bit of a head could. I feel some sinus drainage and it is not very enjoyable. But other than that, I have not found too much different versus other countries in Asia.

I arrived on Monday and stayed in a hotel in Shanghai on Monday night. On Tuesday we traveled to a different city for working on Wednesday. I guess since we had the entire day to travel my guides decided it would be good to try to use as much of the day as possible. We rode on a low speed train for 7 hours. I think the train might have been pulled by a goat instead of an actual train engine.

The accommodations were not too bad. There were four of us and we were in a compartment with four beds. There was a door and a light and a window to the outside. The only issue I had with this whole situation is that I did not want to sleep on the train. Indiana is 12 hours different from China. Since we were travelling during the day, I needed be awake during the entire trip or I would not sleep at night when I needed to be asleep. OK, I can do that. I had two different books, my laptop where I could do some work (no internet access), and an iPod with movies, music and podcasts.

About half way through the trip, the children in the next compartment are getting restless and start running up and down the hallway screaming. So we shut the door. We had been leaving it open, I was not sure why but I found out soon. The air conditioning on the train only seemed to work in the hallway and once we shut the door the compartment became very warm. That made it a little more difficult to stay awake.

About six and a half hours into the ride, I had to use the restroom. I walked one way down the train for 4 cars and didn’t see a bathroom. I turned the other way and found one back in the next car. I open the door and it is basically a stainless steel lined pit. I start going and I realize that it is very loud in the bathroom. I can hear the wind much more clearly than in the rest of the train or in our car. I look around and there is no window in the bathroom. I can only assume the noise is coming from the hole that I am peeing into. So if I’m reading this correctly, when you go to the bathroom on a 7 hour train ride you are actually peeing on the train tracks.

For the return trip back to Shanghai, we took a taxi to the high speed rail station and then took the high speed back. This trip took 3 hours this time... the train topped out at 188 miles/hour. In the comfort of an air conditioned cabin. No beverage service... but that's OK. No screaming children either.

Next time you are walking down the train tracks in China, I hope you don’t step in something and become instantly grumpy…

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The Chief and I

I grew up in a rural county in Northern Indiana about a one hour drive from Ft. Wayne. My school district was divided into two sections. Grades K-6 went to separate elementary schools and were united in 7^th grade at the high school which was grades 7-12.

I met the Chief on the first day of 7^th grade. She lived at the opposite end of the county and went to the other elementary school. We were assigned lockers based on last name. Her last name and my last name started with the same letter. As a result we sat next to each other when we were in the same class and when we were assigned seating based on last name and her locker was positioned right next to mine.

Since we were in 7^th grade and the lowest “rank” in the school we were required to have a locker partner. My locker partner was named KB. KB had his growth spurt early and was very close to 6 feet tall. I was much closer to 5 feet tall, maybe 5’ 3” or 5’ 4” I really can’t remember. The chief was smaller yet, an inch or two shorter but probably 70 pounds.

Our lockers were situated so that if we opened our locker past 90 degrees we would block the locker next to us. One day, the first or second day of school, KB was standing next to me talking and lazily getting his books for his next class from our locker. Apparently the Chief was being blocked from opening her locker. The next thing we knew, KB had the locker door slammed shut, nearly on his hand. The Chief said “thank you” and opened up her locker, removed a book, and walked off. Both KB and I were somewhat stunned. That was my first encounter with the Chief. KB and I named her Little Miss Pushy and she kept that name for a while. I don’t know if she ever heard the name.

Each year our lockers would move, but because our last names were so close in the alphabet our lockers were always close to each other. This close proximity led us to become friends; not close friends but friends.

With our senior year came private lockers and the cool "Senior hall" as well as some advanced classes. We had Physics and AP calculus. The Chief and I were in both of these classes together. I did very well in these classes but the Chief did not do as well. Since we were friends I helped her with the classes. Calculus and vectors were her weak points. Since we were spending more time together we obviously became closer.


We had our Senior Pictures taken and it was a big deal to pass them out to all your friends. I gave some to the Chief and she gave me some of hers. Then I decided it would be a good idea to get the rest of her pictures and paste them all over the inside of my locker door. When she came back I opened my locker and showed it to her and her friends as a shrine to her... she thought it was funny. 

Eventually we started dating. Our first date was our Senior Prom, one hell of a first date. From then on we were pretty much stuck together. Stuck together was not a bad thing in this case. We continued to date through our final months of high school and through the summer.

That summer the Chief’s parents surprised me. Even though we went to the same high school we lived at opposite ends of the county. It was a good 25 minute drive for me to go and visit her. During some weekends and during the summer the Chief’s family would trailer camp at a local camp ground that was much closer to my family’s house. The cost for entry was $2 per day. This is not too much but for a kid it was a lot. A season pass was $25. Since I knew the Chief would be camping there a lot I decided to buy a season pass on my first visit. I get to the window and try to buy a season pass and they will not sell me one. They also would not let me pay for the day. I wonder what is going on and when I get to the Chief’s family’s campsite they give me a season pass, basically giving me permission to continue to date their daughter. I thought it was cool. Especially since I had obviously met them before but I had not spent a lot of time with them. 

One of the neat things we did during that summer is to go to an all day concert in Indianapolis. It was the first X-Fest which is still put on by a local radio station in Indianapolis. The Chief and I went together along with some other friends of ours. When we returned home we found out that her parents had purchased a new house and they were moving. The Chief was pissed off immediately because she was moving out of the home she grew up in. Plus, she was not even consulted in the whole business. I thought she was blowing it a little out of proportion, plus they were moving to a house on the same lake as the campground. I was all for the move since I would have to drive less when we were home for the summer and on breaks. 

It didn't really matter too much because we were both going away to college in the fall. The Chief went to Indiana University and I went to Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology. These two schools are not too far apart, only 54.6 miles from Rose to the parking lot next to her dormitory. During our 4 years in college I drove many times between Terre Haute and Bloomington to visit on the weekends.

The Chief did not have a car, but I did. So I did all the driving. I visited her most often because to come back to Terre Haute was an extra hour each way. We would also go home to visit our family every few weeks. Since our parents lived so close we would go home together too. It was on these trips that the Chief’s father would give me gas money for driving her home and back. I never asked for gas money because I had a job at school for the first year plus I saved up money from summer jobs to pay for stuff during the rest of the year. The Chief was a little upset that her father gave me money and he didn’t give her money. (He would have given her money if she needed it.) She always said her family liked me better than they did her. I seriously doubt it, she is much cuter than I am.

I asked the Chief to marry me towards the end of our first year of college. Some things you just know are right. She accepted and then we told our parents. We planned to get married after graduation so we had a pretty long engagement. Everyone was ok with it so long as we waited until after graduation to get married.

At some point during our dating we discovered that our birthdays were one day apart and in the same year. I am one day older than the Chief, actually less than 24 hours older. What is even stranger is that we were born in the same hospital, and our mothers were in the hospital at the same time. I tease her saying that she was following me, stalker. Maybe she liked the fact that I threw my blue sock hat into the crib she was in sleeping. Maybe not.

We were married after graduation at the end of June and we have been happily married ever since. Well, 99.68% of the time we are happily married. The rest of the time I usually do something stupid and piss her off.

I did not have a job at graduation from college. In fact I did not get a job until the first part of August. So for a little over a month we lived in my parent’s basement. That was fun. My parents both liked her and there weren't any real issues while we stayed at my parents' house.

I actually believe the Chief got my first job for me. I was interviewing with the company that I am currently employed with. I think it was the second interview and it was down to two people. We were finishing up and I mentioned that my wife dropped me off and went out to drive around town for an hour or so. The interview lasted longer than an hour and I noticed that my wife was back and in the parking lot waiting for me. I said that she was here and my interviewer asked if I would go and get her. I did and she came in. Now, I was wearing a suit and tie, standard interview apparel. The Chief however, was wearing shorts and a tank top since it was the middle of summer. She reluctantly comes in talks to everyone. They seemed to really like her and I think that is why they chose me instead of the other candidate.

So there is some more that I owe her for… because I really like my job and what I get to do.

She does cash in some of those favors or credits every now and again. I remember a time when I was travelling for business. I think I was in Mexico City. It was in 2006 so it wasn’t as bad as Mexico is in 2011. I was visiting a customer for 3 days helping them with a problem. I was calling and talking to the Chief in the evenings when I made it back to the hotel. 


One of the other things I got to do when visiting Mexico City on this trip is to go and visit the Aztec pyramids of the sun and the moon. 

When I got home I found this in the garage.

She also gets to travel with me when I am on business. I will stay an extra weekend or a few days and we can explore some neat places. Some of these include: Penang, Malaysia; Prague, Czech Republic; Sao Paulo, Brazil; Igazu Falls, Brazil; and a number of places in the US. Plus she gets to use my frequent flyer miles when we go on vacations like to Key West, Hawaii, South Padre Island, Orlando and others… I am banking up too many miles. I think we need to go somewhere again.

I also got a new bike out of this whole deal... that is one card I'm sure I can only play once... this year maybe something next year.


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Mine!!

I started college in 1995 and being a freshman I lived on campus. It was not a requirement but it was strongly recommended... My best friend was going to the same college but we decided not to try to room together, we wanted to stay friends and meet some new people...

Pepe's roommate was a guy with a very large head. He didn't wear fitted hats because the hat stores did not carry his size. A La Bamba burrito is not even close to the same size. BigH was a cool guy except for one thing, after eating the previously mentioned burritos, he could clear a small football stadium. But that is neither here nor there... BigH was a legacy at the school. Something like 9 or 10 of his brothers had went through the school before him. So he knew what was going on better than some of us more inexperienced n00bs.

My roommate was Red Hat Jef. We had talked on the phone a couple times before we met the first day. There were some things we were allowed to bring into the room and some things we were not. We were allowed a refrigerator in our room as long as it was 3.0 cubic feet or less. I got a small refrigerator as a gift for graduating high school so I offered to bring it. RHJ asked me about the size and I of course said 3.5 cubic feet. I had read the regulations and I didn't think I would be strung up by my ankles for a measly 0.5 cubic foot (roughly 3.75 gallons of volume - or half the amount of beer consumed by the average college Freshman in a weekend).

RHJ had different ideas, he said the refrigerator was too large and that he would bring one that met the size requirements. Umm, OK. I guess. I know one of us was not going to have enough beer and it was not going to be me... So I will bring the dorm room sized microwave, which I didn't have. So how is this going to work out. RHJ seemed a little high strung.

We finally meet on the first day of orientation. RHJ had a shorter drive than I did so he made it to the room first meaning that he gets dibs on which side of the room he gets. The rooms were designed with very little flexibility, bed, desk, dresser on one side of the door and a mirror image on the other side. For whatever reason, he chose the left side as you walked into the room.

I meet his family. They are all business. They are getting RHJ moved into the room with a machine like efficiency I would associate with a German assembly line robot. RHJ and his father are discussing how to build a loft to give more space on his side of the room. Then, they are done moving stuff in. He gets a hug from his mom and sister and a handshake from his dad and they walk out leaving RHJ and I, along with my mom and dad.

RHJ remains all business for a while. He loosens up eventually. I think he started loosening up after a couple weeks. I was signed up for a "Work Study" program as a form of financial aid. I chose security based on BigH's recommendation. As a result Pepe and I would "work study" in the security office in the evenings. I would get back to the room kind of late. RHJ would sometimes already be in bed. But the funny thing is, I could talk to him and get a mostly coherent response. We had some normal conversations and we had some extraordinary conversations. One such conversation was about homework in a class I was taking. It was a computer science class and I didn't have any experience in computer programming. RHJ on the other hand was a Computer Science major and had been programming computers for years. I was asking him about my homework and he was helping me through some of it, even though he was asleep... then I would ask another question about the homework and he would answer, "I had a hamburger for dinner." Then I would ask if he was awake, and he would say, "Hamburgers are good."

This sleep talking became a regular occurrence  in my college life. Me being the benevolent person that I am, I have to share the fun. I start bring Pepe back to the room to talk to RHJ. I think at first RHJ was a little angry with me for continuing to talk to him when he was asleep. He may have also not liked that I was bringing in an audience. My answer was for him to stop talking to me while asleep. I don't think he saw the humor in that. I know he didn't think it was as funny as I did.

At one point during the year I think we finally pulled RHJ out of his shell, or the workload was getting to him, I'll take the credit since I'm writing this... Anyway, I come back from a class and I find him sitting at his desk (under the bunk he and his father made...) and he is making trails of rubbing alcohol on his desk then lighting it on fire and watching the fire follow the path he traced. OK. I like burning stuff as much as the next guy but the desk is wood. So I suggested he go into the hallway since it was tile, plus there was a much larger area for trails. After a while the trails were becoming a bit boring, plus the authorities (Resident Adviser or Sophomore Adviser) came back to our floor while we were in between conflagrations. So we move the activities back to RHJ's desk. Then he spots a gift his then girlfriend gave him. Here is a pretty accurate picture of the gift:

It will not burn so why not put alcohol in it and light it on fire. It was pretty cool at first but then it got pretty hot after constant refilling with alcohol and relighting. By this time Pepe had joined us and I think he gave the warning that it would break (having had a similar experience in High School chemistry lab with me as his lab partner... hmmm wonder what happened). Sure enough, it broke. My next question is, why would his girlfriend think a good gift for him would be a cat candle holder thingy? I don't know, but I will speculate:

• Maybe she thought the room incandescent lighting was way too modern
• Maybe she liked to roast marshmallows very slowly over an open candle flame
• Maybe when the relationship ends she would have something to use as a projectile
• Maybe she was a little freaky and liked a little hot wax during intimate times... I never asked for those details.

So there were some more adventures during college but I will leave it there for now. So fast forward to college graduation. Both Pepe and Red Hat Jef get jobs before graduation. Pepe goes to work for the company he did an internship with the previous summer because he is competent. RHJ also has a job because he is a CS major with a personality and good personal hygiene... which I am told are highly sought after traits in that line of work. I was not as lucky, I did not get a real job until August, two months after graduation. 

Pepe and RHJ were both working in Indianapolis so they decided to room together to save costs since neither was from Indianapolis or had other friends or relatives they could mooch off of. After I found a job the Chief and I moved to Columbus, Indiana about an hour south of Indianapolis.

One thing I just found out was the Pepe and RHJ did not always get along when they lived together. I knew there were some squabbles as there always are between roommates. I lived with RHJ for a college year and we didn't have any yelling or screaming matches. I think I was only pissed off at him once or maybe twice during our time together. One I remember was I came back from a weekend with the Chief (at a neighboring college) and I found RHJ on my bed instead of on his in his loft. I was pissed off for a minute until I realized he was very, very ill. Then I got over it very quickly. I honestly don't remember another time.

I also lived with Pepe for the remaining 3 years of college and we had one or two minor disagreements. Even though we lived in very close proximity especially year 2 and year 3 of college when we lived in the same room in a house owned by BigH's family. Since they had at least 14 children go through the same college it made good sense for them to buy a house in the same town and rent out rooms to their children's friends. We called BigH our "slum lord."

Pepe and RHJ had a number of disagreements that varied in intensity while living together.

It just so happens that after one of these minor altercations the Chief and I happened to visit. Only Pepe was home at the time. As I understand it when Pepe and RHJ lived together they had some shared resources. For example milk and bread and maybe some other food items like ketchup, mustard, etc. It was the responsibility of the person who emptied said resource to replace it. At the time of my visit this system wasn't running smoothly and RHJ was pissed off about Pepe drinking all the milk and not replenishing the stock in a timely enough manner.

RHJ was mad and decided to break the communal atmosphere and purchase his own supplies, like milk. In order to mark his territory in the refrigerator he put a post-it note on the milk saying "MINE." I think this is great fun. I find the remainder of the post it note pad and proceed to write "MINE" on all the post it notes and place them on items in RHJ's room, in his bathroom, in his books, inside his clean laundry, inside his workout gear, in his CD cases, in his VHS tapes, on his Tivo, under his pillow... you get the idea. It turns out that this was actually a good thing, it broke some of the tension between the roommates, plus it entertained me greatly.

Three or four years later, long after Pepe was married and moved out and RHJ had changed apartments at least once and maybe twice, I get a call from RHJ saying he found a "MINE" note in one of his books.

That is satisfaction.

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